Monday night late and I just finished watching Seabiscuit. (DVD selection is starting to wear thin…) Once again – having a hard time sleeping at night. Seems like I sleep better during the day for some reason. My sleep habits are so messed up right about now. My classes are so spread out that I wake up most mornings at 6:30 teach at 7 or half 7 and then finish teaching about 9ish. Then sometimes I have a class at maybe 1, maybe 3 or maybe not until 5. Anyway – there is usually time for a nap. Plus with it being so dang cold here (most mornings lately –15 Celsius or at the least –10), I just don’t really feel like getting out much. And it stays a bit dark here in the winter but when the sun is shining that allows it to be colder – so not sure which I prefer. Im just ready for the spring and the flowers to start blooming again. So yeah – more excuses for being lazy. Anyway- just thought I would make a normal entry on here since lately I guess things may have been more formal stuff. Not sure why I feel the need to bark about stuff on here. Im quite sure that most of whomever is reading this doesn’t really care about what I have been pondering that moment. So – just wanted to put some normal stuff on here – whatever normal is…

Seems like the weeks just fly by here. They keep somehow turning themselves into months. Amazing how they keep racking themselves up. I am really enjoying the relationships that I am forming here though, with students and friends alike. I have become friends with my students and they help in ways that you would never imagine. Most of my students are older ladies for the most part, and they really are so nice. They notice when I act like I am getting sick and offer to help, and it is nice. That along with other motherly stuff. My other students just give me advice about the Czech Republic and what I should do, should not do or I am here to answer all their questions about America. Yeah – I know. Scary. And friendwise – I really am not lacking at all. In fact I find it hard most nights to stretch in all the directions that I wish i could. But it has been really nice trying my best to form new relationships, as I haven’t really been the best at this in the past. Being in a place where noone has a clue who you are, where you came from or most of the time even where that place is, is in fact really kind of nice. Im not running from anything – but this way I can just live my life and see whatever kind of trouble that god throws in my way. Trying to really sit back and enjoy this ride of life that I was allowed to have a turn at. Im just gonna take it for what it is worth and breath in some deep breaths. Not get in a hurry, get too busy or any of that. Ive decided to just live and enjoy it and not worry about what everyone else thinks I should be doing. Kinda a weird conclusion – but I feel it is a good one for me – not like I have ever really worried about what most think I should be doing anyway. Well – gonna try to sleep now. Gotta get up in about 4 hours. Maybe I will post later all the other late night ramblings that I have on here and not posted. Just not sure if anyone would read them….

Tuesday morning – just had a quick thought that made me laugh. I saw a girl this morning with gold cowboy boots on. It really tripped me out and made me laugh – because in my opinion gold is very odd anyway. Some things that people choose to use gold on, I just cant understand. This was a perfect example – but I have a better one. At the Frauenkirche, one really old church in old town Dresden, Tabea and I went to a service in. Tabea had never been, and I thought it would be cool too, so we went and checked it out. It is newly redone and everything is brand new. Anyway – The statues had gold hair and beards. Kinda impressive – but to me it just didn’t seem real. It was however the source of some really funny stories… So there was this gold chalice that they took communion from. Bro – I am talking about this huge lil’ john or snoopish chalice. Im surprised that it didn’t have PIMP written in diamonds on this thing. Well, we chose not to take communion because of the huge lines (you had to have a ticket just to get in this place..)– but after I saw this monster I really wanted to - just to drink out of that huge joker. I was laughing and I think we got kinda frowned at – but you should have seen these little old ladies drinking out of this thing. It was almost as big as they were. And I remembered all of this just from seeing that nice lady wearing gold cowboy boots this morning. Oh yeah – to make it even better – she had camo pants on…

unchain my heart oh god
and allow me to love

turn mine eyes from the grave
to your beauty above

know the thoughts of my mind
and temper them up

let my feelings inside
be only of grace

the deeds of my ways
be not mine but of you

with these deeply drawn breaths
bring me closer to thee

these dreams swimming safe
still seeking your face

see these desires i hold close
prepare a clear path

keep me safe in your arms
all these perilous days

here are some random pics i just wanted to post. budapest, prague and dresden...



heading out on the town...


sara, sherry and i


budapest

so i almost forgot - and it is a few days late. but i almost missed dr. kings birthday. anyway - i must admit that he is one of my heros that i really admire. i like to think that during his day i would have marched with him and just really stood up for what he said and did. i hope to one day have my life shine just a bit as bright as his did. big shadows to walk in. i wanted to include a bit of his most famous speech for you to read - and before you totally discount it and skip over it all the way - just take a minute to read this. it will make you think and hopefully make you dream. of how much further we have to go and how far we may have come. but just take a minute - see what this says to your heart and see if you can listen...

"I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

"Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.


"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

"I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

"This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

"When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

my thoughts these days seem to keep peeling away layers of something that i am not sure what it is. something that is deeply part of who i am. something that needs to drink in the fresh air. something that stinks and is nasty from being locked up inside too long without a bath. peeling from the inside out. pulling something into the open that i am not sure i am ready for people to see. but god knows it needs to be seen. cant play games anymore about who i can pretend i am. so far from perfect - but the funny thing is that i am made perfect. perfect through my father. jesus. see - it is the broken me. the part of me that keeps asking to be broken and is smashed to hell as a result. so then the hard part comes. can i deal? can i really go on with my life and learning what he wants to teach me? can i function? can i keep evolving into what i am supposed to be? honestly i havent a clue. i am at a loss for words. i get opportunities to grow - and i screw up. i fall on my ass. but then after i sit awake all night -i realize that this is his way of molding me. put me in the fire- make me bendable and then he starts the bending. or beating. i think it probably takes a beating with me. my head is really hard - just ask my family. so anyway - i just want to keep getting shaped by his fire. learning. i guess i am asking to get burned - but i cant say that it is all bad. after all scars are pretty cool souveniers.

another thing that i have realized lately is about life and how it directly correlates to my relationships with others. see - life isnt about a series of events, a series of places, or even a series of different series’. it is a series of relationships. think about this - look back on your life and think about the different times in your life. think to high school. bet you dont really remember what all the classrooms looked like - but you can remember all the times that you were an idiot with your best friends riding around after graduation in your boxers and graduation cap - (wait oh crap- nevermind that was me...) anyway - you will remember the face of that teacher or the times you got dissed on by your ‘dreamgirl’ or the people who you really invested time in. this is how we mark time in our lives. the timeline consists of relationships. places we live and go become about the relationships we had. experiences become about the people who were there with us at the time. this is because this, i believe, is how we learn. it leads to what we take with us. and that in turn leads to how we live our lives. a series of small steps that we may not know we take - but nonetheless we do. this is how god works i think. he doesnt ask us to figure it all out at once. he just lets us live and screw up - then he picks us up, dusts us off and says alright junior, (i like that junior part..) go try it again. it is ok to mess up. it is ok to mess up lots. life is a mess. our relationships may end up in huge messes - i know some of mine have - but this is how we learn. and we may not think that we learn and take with us lessons from this - but we know we really do. i look back and cant tell you whole lots about certain places or events, but man i can tell you how i talked till 6 in the morning with jenny in chicago, or how much fun i had with kirby and pj in the lou, or how my m-town boys used to kick it growing up in high school, camping out in the back of pickups. these things i take with me. they arent going anywhere. although i am 7 time zones away - they are still with me. god is relational. i am challenging myself to invest time in more relationships. new and old. hard ones. no more making excuses like no time. after all we are only as busy as we want to be. and relationships take time. i see gods face in relationships. his face in people. jesus valued time with friends and people just as much if not more than anything. his whole story is a story of relationships with people. friends. this stuff is important. this is why humans are so beautiful to me- i can see gods face in them. this is why people have to be beautiful to us. we are all his children. i just sometimes need his help to see it...

wow. im not really sure what to do at this exact moment. as some of you know - i came into the ownership of a sweet new ibook. and now i am sitting here at a cafe with it not knowing what all to look at. kinda crazy. this place you buy one coffee for 25 koruna and you can sit for hours. so nice. so i promise more emails to all of you that i have been neglecting. promise!

the new year was nice. spent it with friends and watched the fireworks over the city. man - it was quite crazy. like a 360 degree panarama of nothing but fireworks. so nice. had some champagne and just hung out. at one point there was some tear gas involved - but it didnt last long. guess some cool guy thought that it would be a good idea. dont worry - it wasnt the friendly policie. we were not misbehaving that bad...

school is back in full swing and i am just trying to adjust. also looking around to see what the next year will bring. right now - i have no idea. but this much i know. i am going to london within the month, spain and portugal in april hopefully, and i am crossing my fingers to try to get to finland near the end of the summer. maybe i wil get home to the states in the summer too. but that will just depend on several things. but if i have to use my money for traveling - i think i will spend it going places i havent been.

think i will have my first official visitor this weekend. chris owen is coming over for a bit. im so excited to see a face from home and one of my hommies. it will be nice. but right now - i plan on frying my brain a bit more - burning up the internet. oh yeah - happy new year....