harsh realities make for hard days. but mostly what i have found out of it is a more intimate relationship with my god. many things have happened lately to spark these realities. most of them revolve around my relationship with a girl whom i am completely in love with. the first girl whom i have ever given my whole heart to. and even though it is this way - i still have made huge mistakes. loads of them. but through the lens of this relationship - i have gotten a clearer picture of who i am - and who god made me to be. who god wants me to be. it has taken a lot of time - and it hasnt been pretty - but i guess you have to go right through the storm in order to get out of it. i know that through all of this i will be stronger - and if this relationship lives on - it will be so much stronger. ive started to really realise how much god loves me and what he has promised me.

somehow i stumbled on philippians 3 this morning, and it just made me realise so many things. some of these things i already knew - and a lot i didnt want to admit for whatever the reason. firstly that god loves me. i am good enough - because his grace is enough. and that in itself is enough. its one of those things that i love to tell people - but dont want to believe for my life. but i am seeing it. it is affecting everything i am. besides trying to get through some hardships - i am really loving myself for the first time in awhile. i love who god made me to be - and i am trying to embrace that. but not only that - i am seeing what i am not - and pushing those things out. my branches are being pruned - and i know that i will be stronger for it.

its been a bit hard for me the last few relationships that i have had - they have brought me down and made me become someone i never was. and i am not going to place blame anywhere - because im sure my attitude played a big part in things as well. but my self-worth was for sure tested. and i let that go right downhill - into myself believing that i am not good enough for anyone. those walls came up - and my heart became a bit hardened. god is melting that - and i am seeing a huge change in my heart and mind. im becoming more of the person that god created me to be. my ability to love is coming back. my ability to treat others like i want to treat them is reappearing. my ability to see the good in everyone is so exciting. and other things that i didnt really have before are rearing their head. before all this - i didnt have the easiest time accepting people. im judgemental, and selfish. but its been laid on my heart so much lately - and i can visibly see these changes take place. i want to love people. i want that to be a huge part of who i am. i just have to let go of myself. its something that is happening as i write. and its something that is pretty amazing. to see whatever had to happen to make this happen. its so good. the god i serve is a god of love - my heart should reflect that. its happening and it makes my heart happy. as much as all this hurts to have to see in myself - it is a cleansing that i needed.