so here i am again – wrestling. wrestling with life, wrestling with my feelings. and most of all wrestling with these demons of loneliness... right now the latter is kicking me in the gut. but instead of everything coming out into the open with the sheer force of the impact – it stays inside as if i threw up in my mouth. i guess so much contributes to this. so many things run around in my head – and as usual – i have a hard time processing it all. i struggle with needing community around, and it not really happening. i struggle making sense of my feelings. i struggle with my thoughts constantly turning to certain people, and i guess most of all i still struggle with who god made me to be.

one thing i struggle with is something that i have a hard time putting into words. in a way – its my being gullible. in other ways – its my being naieve. but honestly most of it has to do with having too many feelings somehow. i just read a bio of rich mullins – and it blows my mind how i see so many things of how i feel in who he was. at least i can relate on many levels. in the introduction that brennan manning wrote he says this about rich. “poets are a unique breed of human beings. they ricochet between agony and ecstacy because they take everything so personally. where other people feel kicked by an unkind world, the poet feels disemboweled. the slightest provocation can induce a fit of weeping or a fit of joy. others cannot understand why he does what he does, and the poet is often clueless himself.” now while i dont actually consider myself a poet – i feel like this does do a decent job of describing me. especially the last few lines. yes – i do cry – as much as i hate to admit it. and as much as people hate to see it - it happens. and the part about being clueless to what i do? man – most days i have no idea. the question i end up asking god is why does he give me all these feelings. and why are they so strong? why does he make me love with everything i am – only to be given up on. i will never understand this about myself – and most days i absolutely hate it. i have never been one to hold things inside – and it never seems to get me anywhere but on the road to ruin. i cant even count the times that ive heard “will, i cant handle all your feelings...they are just too much.” these days i am so scared to love. im scared at scaring people – and i am scared at scarring my heart that much more. somehow in my mind – noone is ever going to be able to look at this heart and love it for what it is. its been given away too many times – only to be tossed back with a nice little note attached saying no thanks. but still i am confounded by what god shows me. isnt he the one who gives me these feelings? why does he slap me in the face with the most perfect someone – only for them to be taken away? is this how i am supposed to learn to love? cause god – im not sure i want to learn it if i have to go through this crap.

but i will wait. ill wait because i know that its worth it. ill wait because i have met the most amazing person that i have ever met, and i honestly believe that god has something amazing in store for us. ill wait because i have never had such feelings before – and i cant contain them – although i know i should. ill wait because i know that nothing worth having comes easy. ill wait because the thought of her smile keeps me going through even these low places. ill wait because i saw the way that she loves people. but most importantly i will wait for her because she is the one i have always dreamed about. and although i have dreamed of her my whole life – there are so many things she is that i never even dreamed of. the wake of people that she leaves in her path adore her. as do i. so this is why i wait – and these are the demons that wrestle with...