not sure exactly when i arrived in kenya - but i know that its been about a year now. give or take a few days. its been an interesting year - and i have met tons of people and seen a lot of places. most of these places were places i never dreamed i would even visit. things i have felt have run a whole spectrum of emotions. i have felt happiness in many shades. i met my new nephew whom i adore and i met the woman that i want to marry. ive fallen in love with so many children that i cant even count and i have made so many new amazing friends. ive seen the beauty of gods earth and that same beauty in the smiles of the kenyan, ugandan and tanzanian people. ive felt love in so many ways - that i cant even start to describe it. the love of a child who wont let go your hand and the love of a girl who made all of my hopes and dreams come true. ive been lonely beyond measure and i have had so many friends i could not count. my heart has broken over seeing children eating out of trash piles and over not being the man god made me to be. my heart has hurt because of so many i dont even know who are hurting - not to mention because the one i love the most in this whole world is hurting like hell. my heart aches for her.
and my heart cries out to god to give her comfort.

despite all these feelings and emotions its been a great year. maybe its been a great year because of all these things. finding out more who god made me to be. finding how my heart works. chasing more after gods heart - and not mine. and knowing that the more i know of his heart - the better i can love others. my heart has a long way to go - and probably always will. but the most amazing thing is just knowing how much he does love me. and knowing that he put others in my life who love me too. in more ways that i ever thought possible - or that i deserved. but leaning on the grace that i have been given - i can get through it. and with that strength - i will keep at it.

spent the last few days driving all over the coutryside looking for sites that this school we are trying to build can be built on. been in maasi land and in the rift valley. ive chased zebras on foot and seen tons of beautiful places. been around great poeple and been given a lot of godly council. amazing things are happening - and at times i have to remind myself im in africa. but the last few days ive been very aware of it. africa is my home. and lots of times - my hope.

harsh realities make for hard days. but mostly what i have found out of it is a more intimate relationship with my god. many things have happened lately to spark these realities. most of them revolve around my relationship with a girl whom i am completely in love with. the first girl whom i have ever given my whole heart to. and even though it is this way - i still have made huge mistakes. loads of them. but through the lens of this relationship - i have gotten a clearer picture of who i am - and who god made me to be. who god wants me to be. it has taken a lot of time - and it hasnt been pretty - but i guess you have to go right through the storm in order to get out of it. i know that through all of this i will be stronger - and if this relationship lives on - it will be so much stronger. ive started to really realise how much god loves me and what he has promised me.

somehow i stumbled on philippians 3 this morning, and it just made me realise so many things. some of these things i already knew - and a lot i didnt want to admit for whatever the reason. firstly that god loves me. i am good enough - because his grace is enough. and that in itself is enough. its one of those things that i love to tell people - but dont want to believe for my life. but i am seeing it. it is affecting everything i am. besides trying to get through some hardships - i am really loving myself for the first time in awhile. i love who god made me to be - and i am trying to embrace that. but not only that - i am seeing what i am not - and pushing those things out. my branches are being pruned - and i know that i will be stronger for it.

its been a bit hard for me the last few relationships that i have had - they have brought me down and made me become someone i never was. and i am not going to place blame anywhere - because im sure my attitude played a big part in things as well. but my self-worth was for sure tested. and i let that go right downhill - into myself believing that i am not good enough for anyone. those walls came up - and my heart became a bit hardened. god is melting that - and i am seeing a huge change in my heart and mind. im becoming more of the person that god created me to be. my ability to love is coming back. my ability to treat others like i want to treat them is reappearing. my ability to see the good in everyone is so exciting. and other things that i didnt really have before are rearing their head. before all this - i didnt have the easiest time accepting people. im judgemental, and selfish. but its been laid on my heart so much lately - and i can visibly see these changes take place. i want to love people. i want that to be a huge part of who i am. i just have to let go of myself. its something that is happening as i write. and its something that is pretty amazing. to see whatever had to happen to make this happen. its so good. the god i serve is a god of love - my heart should reflect that. its happening and it makes my heart happy. as much as all this hurts to have to see in myself - it is a cleansing that i needed.

thirty-one years. going on thirty-two. thirty-one years of formulating thoughts. thirty-one years of thinking i want certain things. thirty-one years are a long long time to be mostly alone and really not having to worry about what another person wants or makes them happy. when you start talking about spending your life with someone how do those things come together? how do you make those changes without really changing who you are? is it even possible? how do two people come together, make that person happy, and at the same time that person still be whom they want to be? how does she keep who she is while becoming one with a husband? and when god talks about a man leaving his father to become one flesh with his wife - will i make her happy and fulfill her? at the same time - i want to help her dreams come true. i want to know what her dreams are - and be able to help her reach these dreams. i see us learning from each other - and taking a lot from the other. this will make us stronger. and when trying to make these things happen - i know it wont be easy. there will be some really tough times - but i wont run from it. ill be standing right there with that one - longing to figure it out. if we have to cry our way through it - then ill be there to wipe away her tears, and kiss her when the problem is solved. because there will be problems that will need to be solved. god knows i hope it isnt many - but come what may - i will be doing everything in my power to make it work. i believe that the only good reason to be with someone is because the two people who come together are better as two than one. you feed off the other and happiness resonates. you are brought together because god is going to do greater things through the two of you than just one. these are just my thoughts and this is something that i have been praying about so much about lately...

when you meet someone amazing – that you like a bit and are interested in - i tend to think it can be a good time. but when you meet the perfect woman for you - the one whom you have spent your whole life praying for - it is downright frightening. now dont get me wrong – it is the most exciting thing i have ever felt – but so very scary. here is the thing... ive met the woman of my dreams. the woman that my dreams have been made of for my whole life. the one who consumes my thoughts most minutes of the day, and the one whom i have prayed for my whole life. without a doubt – this is whom i want to marry. this is who i am supposed to marry. i look into her eyes – and i am so blown away by her that i just have to laugh with god. see – god knows me so well (psalm 139) that he made this woman – not only in his image – but more perfect than i could have ever dreamed. i had no clue that this girl would be the most sweet and loving person that i have ever met. i had no idea that she would be the most godly woman in my world, and would pray for me like she has. i had no idea that such a beautiful woman would ever say the words i love you to me and love me the way she has. to be perfectly honest i had no idea i would ever be able to give my heart to one so fully. i think god just laughs because i doubted him for so long and now here she is. in my mind this has been the most amazing demonstration of the way that christ loves us: fully, unconditional, without reservation and like no other. i see christ in her more than i have ever seen christ in any one person. she makes me smile, laugh and makes me so much better.

i know this is all a ramble – and i am not sure who is even reading this – if anyone still is. the truth is that while i dont know exactly how – this is going to work. i dont have all the answers – but i will work so hard to be the man i am supposed to be for you. i want to do things right. i want to go into this with god as our guide. i want to love her the way i am supposed to – and i want to give her what she needs. i dont know how all the coming together stuff will work, and i dont even know how good i will be at doing it. but i do know – i want to try. not really try – but i want to do it. period. i want to work on things with her and i want to talk about everything. face-to-face, and best friend to best friend.. i want to tell her when i am wrong and i want her to know that when i said i love you – that it was a promise. it is a promise to never give up, and to never give in to anything. to fight for her always, and love her like i have never known i could love another person. because all of this is true. something like this almost never comes along. most people never get this chance, so i plan on seeing this through. once in a lifetime is so cliche – but i believe it to be true. every ounce of hope in my heart depends on it, and i will gladly spend the rest of my life fighting for her.

while i may not fully know how to do this – i am going to do it. with gods help, a lot of prayer, maybe some tears and with my best friend holding my hand – i believe with my whole heart it is going to work. thirty-one years be damned. i am not going to let those years be a hinderance to us. there isnt anything that we cant make it through. Kimberly Grimes, i love you, and my heart is yours. always...