so many times I have woken up thinking to myself – what am I doing here? too many times I have not known. so many nights I have laid awake and thought to myself – did I help anyone but myself today? too many times the answer has been a definite no. these days are different in a way. im still not entirely sure that I can definitively answer these questions I long to know the answers to - but I don’t feel quite as lost. its hit my pretty hard lately – more than usual – that none of what I do is supposed to be for me. patrick (the guy who runs the centre) and I get a lot of time to talk these days – and he never fails to remind me that no matter what is going on, no matter how much things become foggy or messed up or just hard, everything we do and the whole reason we are there is for these kids.

beloved children of the father.

ive heard horror stories that will stay with me my entire life. ive seen the emotional scars left on innocent children that affect them in ways I cant even imagine in my worst nightmares. most times I refuse to believe that any of these stories can be true- and without fail I am wrong. but what strikes me the most is not any of this. what strikes me the most is how much this affects my thoughts, actions, and sheer emotions – while none of it happened to me. none. what have those beautiful eyes seen? where have their feet trod? who has made them do what? none of it deserved – and none explainable. and I wonder where god was at. and I ask questions that I can never know the answer to. and I question my humanity. and I wonder…

then they smile. and they laugh like they have never had a sad or tough day in their life, and they hold my hand and wont let go... and they look in my eyes with an innocence that is impossible to understand. and somehow it starts to make a bit of sense. not much – but a bit. ive never seen so much joy written so blatently on a childs face. ive never seen so much beauty in ragged clothing. ive never seen such pure hearts with so much dirt covering these faces and feet. and in this beautiful mess – I see the face of my god – when I was just wondering how in the hell he could really be here.

james 1:27 says religion that god our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. never before has this meant so much to me. never before have I even vaguely understood as I think I am starting to now. the world is a messed up place and ive just seen bits and pieces of it – but somehow there are these beacons of hope that I glace upon here and there. needless to say – im not sure I will look at this life with the same eyes again…