lots going on here. saying goodbye to 2 friends this week. headed back out to the states. i havent been to a much more transient place than here. seems so many people come here for a long vacation. really it is kinda frustrating for me. how do you invest time in people knowing they will just leave you? howdo you open up? seems like it cant be any more difficult. i take a long time to really get to know someone anyway - or at least let them see the real me. or maybe im not sure i let anyone see the real me. sometimes i think i can hide it from god. but then i realize how ignorant this is and struggle to show myslef whom i am. so wierd. im trying to learn how to not let this fear of uncertainty stop me before i start. that is the problem - i trip on my own laces out of the box.

10 days till christmas? so crazy. well - actually nine here. they celebrate on the 24th in some countries here! kinda cool. in germany we will celebrate on the 24th. im super excited. pray for tabea's family - that i wont drive them mad! now if only it would snow really god one time so i can get some nice pictures...

wrestling lately about several things. what is the church? what should it be to me? why should i continue to be so scared of it all? john asked me that other day - what can the church do to make people like yourself not have these fears? and i dont know the answer. just want to be real. just want to not step into a subculture on sundays. not pretend to be people we arent the one day a week we come together for worship. stop pretending and having pretenses. i think this is what christ wanted. not a group that plays an ugly version of dress-up once or twice a week. lets be real with each other and love each other for who we are. lets talk and hear each others hearts and fears. lets pray. pray for real things. lets cry and cry for others who are hurting. break our hearts god. let us love. all the terms are out there. post-modern, blah blah being relevant blahblahblah.... i dont care about any of it. in fact it scares me. i just want things to be real. not be about what you are wearing or not wearing. not about praying a certain way. not about a man who is leading a church, and what he thinks. only about god. only about grace and love. not about a set of rules being thrown at me from a man making more money than he can spend. a church who loves missions. a church who just loves. a community. a family. is this too much to ask?