often i find myself wondering about this whole part of life that revolves around finding someone. like is it something that just has to happen? what if it isnt supposed to? what if i already found the one that would somehow make me happy - and i just screwed it up? will i let this define me? will it define me? being single in a world full of movies about love and romance mixed with friends and family with perfect relationships does not make this whole thing any easier either. am i missing the point? because the thrill of the chase doesnt exactly thrill me. in fact, i abhor that whole part that one seemingly has to go through. i think the problem lies in the simple fact that i really want that best friend whom i can share everything with. thoughts, dreams, whispers, secrets and adventures. i am not exactly sure anymore if this is something that i can bear to try again. see - it is so hard when you pour out your heart to people and they just watch it run down the sidewalk. leaving you to run after it and try your best to soak up the small part that isnt evaporated. i keep telling myself that i learn from it all - and yes i honestly do believe that i have learned something from each relationship i have been in. but i am not sure i can stand to learn anymore. not sure i want to learn anymore. and by that statement i am in no ways claiming to know anything really. hell - i really am just not sure about it at all. i try to not be in a hurry and i tell myself that there is no sense in being in one. but - at the same time i just want to have someone to share with. paul talks about his being single and how his ministry would not be the same if he was not single. just makes me wonder if this is even something i should be thinking about. i am not so much worried about this - as i am just thinking about it. these thoughts swim around a lot. 28 today. i am just gonna stay the course and ride it out. i know god knows what he is doing - sometimes i just cant help but watch as my mind wanders....