wideawakeanddreaming

a year in africa...

2009-06-30T13:51:00.003+02:00

not sure exactly when i arrived in kenya - but i know that its been about a year now. give or take a few days. its been an interesting year - and i have met tons of people and seen a lot of places. most of these places were places i never dreamed i would even visit. things i have felt have run a whole spectrum of emotions. i have felt happiness in many shades. i met my new nephew whom i adore and i met the woman that i want to marry. ive fallen in love with so many children that i cant even count and i have made so many new amazing friends. ive seen the beauty of gods earth and that same beauty in the smiles of the kenyan, ugandan and tanzanian people. ive felt love in so many ways - that i cant even start to describe it. the love of a child who wont let go your hand and the love of a girl who made all of my hopes and dreams come true. ive been lonely beyond measure and i have had so many friends i could not count. my heart has broken over seeing children eating out of trash piles and over not being the man god made me to be. my heart has hurt because of so many i dont even know who are hurting - not to mention because the one i love the most in this whole world is hurting like hell. my heart aches for her.
and my heart cries out to god to give her comfort.

despite all these feelings and emotions its been a great year. maybe its been a great year because of all these things. finding out more who god made me to be. finding how my heart works. chasing more after gods heart - and not mine. and knowing that the more i know of his heart - the better i can love others. my heart has a long way to go - and probably always will. but the most amazing thing is just knowing how much he does love me. and knowing that he put others in my life who love me too. in more ways that i ever thought possible - or that i deserved. but leaning on the grace that i have been given - i can get through it. and with that strength - i will keep at it.

spent the last few days driving all over the coutryside looking for sites that this school we are trying to build can be built on. been in maasi land and in the rift valley. ive chased zebras on foot and seen tons of beautiful places. been around great poeple and been given a lot of godly council. amazing things are happening - and at times i have to remind myself im in africa. but the last few days ive been very aware of it. africa is my home. and lots of times - my hope.

changes...

2009-06-29T09:46:00.002+02:00

harsh realities make for hard days. but mostly what i have found out of it is a more intimate relationship with my god. many things have happened lately to spark these realities. most of them revolve around my relationship with a girl whom i am completely in love with. the first girl whom i have ever given my whole heart to. and even though it is this way - i still have made huge mistakes. loads of them. but through the lens of this relationship - i have gotten a clearer picture of who i am - and who god made me to be. who god wants me to be. it has taken a lot of time - and it hasnt been pretty - but i guess you have to go right through the storm in order to get out of it. i know that through all of this i will be stronger - and if this relationship lives on - it will be so much stronger. ive started to really realise how much god loves me and what he has promised me.

somehow i stumbled on philippians 3 this morning, and it just made me realise so many things. some of these things i already knew - and a lot i didnt want to admit for whatever the reason. firstly that god loves me. i am good enough - because his grace is enough. and that in itself is enough. its one of those things that i love to tell people - but dont want to believe for my life. but i am seeing it. it is affecting everything i am. besides trying to get through some hardships - i am really loving myself for the first time in awhile. i love who god made me to be - and i am trying to embrace that. but not only that - i am seeing what i am not - and pushing those things out. my branches are being pruned - and i know that i will be stronger for it.

its been a bit hard for me the last few relationships that i have had - they have brought me down and made me become someone i never was. and i am not going to place blame anywhere - because im sure my attitude played a big part in things as well. but my self-worth was for sure tested. and i let that go right downhill - into myself believing that i am not good enough for anyone. those walls came up - and my heart became a bit hardened. god is melting that - and i am seeing a huge change in my heart and mind. im becoming more of the person that god created me to be. my ability to love is coming back. my ability to treat others like i want to treat them is reappearing. my ability to see the good in everyone is so exciting. and other things that i didnt really have before are rearing their head. before all this - i didnt have the easiest time accepting people. im judgemental, and selfish. but its been laid on my heart so much lately - and i can visibly see these changes take place. i want to love people. i want that to be a huge part of who i am. i just have to let go of myself. its something that is happening as i write. and its something that is pretty amazing. to see whatever had to happen to make this happen. its so good. the god i serve is a god of love - my heart should reflect that. its happening and it makes my heart happy. as much as all this hurts to have to see in myself - it is a cleansing that i needed.

thirty-one years...

2009-06-28T00:17:00.004+02:00

thirty-one years. going on thirty-two. thirty-one years of formulating thoughts. thirty-one years of thinking i want certain things. thirty-one years are a long long time to be mostly alone and really not having to worry about what another person wants or makes them happy. when you start talking about spending your life with someone how do those things come together? how do you make those changes without really changing who you are? is it even possible? how do two people come together, make that person happy, and at the same time that person still be whom they want to be? how does she keep who she is while becoming one with a husband? and when god talks about a man leaving his father to become one flesh with his wife - will i make her happy and fulfill her? at the same time - i want to help her dreams come true. i want to know what her dreams are - and be able to help her reach these dreams. i see us learning from each other - and taking a lot from the other. this will make us stronger. and when trying to make these things happen - i know it wont be easy. there will be some really tough times - but i wont run from it. ill be standing right there with that one - longing to figure it out. if we have to cry our way through it - then ill be there to wipe away her tears, and kiss her when the problem is solved. because there will be problems that will need to be solved. god knows i hope it isnt many - but come what may - i will be doing everything in my power to make it work. i believe that the only good reason to be with someone is because the two people who come together are better as two than one. you feed off the other and happiness resonates. you are brought together because god is going to do greater things through the two of you than just one. these are just my thoughts and this is something that i have been praying about so much about lately...

when you meet someone amazing – that you like a bit and are interested in - i tend to think it can be a good time. but when you meet the perfect woman for you - the one whom you have spent your whole life praying for - it is downright frightening. now dont get me wrong – it is the most exciting thing i have ever felt – but so very scary. here is the thing... ive met the woman of my dreams. the woman that my dreams have been made of for my whole life. the one who consumes my thoughts most minutes of the day, and the one whom i have prayed for my whole life. without a doubt – this is whom i want to marry. this is who i am supposed to marry. i look into her eyes – and i am so blown away by her that i just have to laugh with god. see – god knows me so well (psalm 139) that he made this woman – not only in his image – but more perfect than i could have ever dreamed. i had no clue that this girl would be the most sweet and loving person that i have ever met. i had no idea that she would be the most godly woman in my world, and would pray for me like she has. i had no idea that such a beautiful woman would ever say the words i love you to me and love me the way she has. to be perfectly honest i had no idea i would ever be able to give my heart to one so fully. i think god just laughs because i doubted him for so long and now here she is. in my mind this has been the most amazing demonstration of the way that christ loves us: fully, unconditional, without reservation and like no other. i see christ in her more than i have ever seen christ in any one person. she makes me smile, laugh and makes me so much better.

i know this is all a ramble – and i am not sure who is even reading this – if anyone still is. the truth is that while i dont know exactly how – this is going to work. i dont have all the answers – but i will work so hard to be the man i am supposed to be for you. i want to do things right. i want to go into this with god as our guide. i want to love her the way i am supposed to – and i want to give her what she needs. i dont know how all the coming together stuff will work, and i dont even know how good i will be at doing it. but i do know – i want to try. not really try – but i want to do it. period. i want to work on things with her and i want to talk about everything. face-to-face, and best friend to best friend.. i want to tell her when i am wrong and i want her to know that when i said i love you – that it was a promise. it is a promise to never give up, and to never give in to anything. to fight for her always, and love her like i have never known i could love another person. because all of this is true. something like this almost never comes along. most people never get this chance, so i plan on seeing this through. once in a lifetime is so cliche – but i believe it to be true. every ounce of hope in my heart depends on it, and i will gladly spend the rest of my life fighting for her.

while i may not fully know how to do this – i am going to do it. with gods help, a lot of prayer, maybe some tears and with my best friend holding my hand – i believe with my whole heart it is going to work. thirty-one years be damned. i am not going to let those years be a hinderance to us. there isnt anything that we cant make it through. Kimberly Grimes, i love you, and my heart is yours. always...

vonage...

2009-05-26T11:23:00.002+02:00

yes i know that i am terrible at keeping this thing up. ill try to do better - but you know me. I wont promise any of that nonsense...

On a much better note - thanks to fred and deb - we now have Vonage at our house in Kenya. Yes - this means that there is an American number that can be called and will ring here in Kenya. Pretty amazing. so here is the number: 601.621.4114. Now its up to you to use it.

still wrestling....

2009-02-21T19:23:00.001+01:00

so here i am again – wrestling. wrestling with life, wrestling with my feelings. and most of all wrestling with these demons of loneliness... right now the latter is kicking me in the gut. but instead of everything coming out into the open with the sheer force of the impact – it stays inside as if i threw up in my mouth. i guess so much contributes to this. so many things run around in my head – and as usual – i have a hard time processing it all. i struggle with needing community around, and it not really happening. i struggle making sense of my feelings. i struggle with my thoughts constantly turning to certain people, and i guess most of all i still struggle with who god made me to be.

one thing i struggle with is something that i have a hard time putting into words. in a way – its my being gullible. in other ways – its my being naieve. but honestly most of it has to do with having too many feelings somehow. i just read a bio of rich mullins – and it blows my mind how i see so many things of how i feel in who he was. at least i can relate on many levels. in the introduction that brennan manning wrote he says this about rich. “poets are a unique breed of human beings. they ricochet between agony and ecstacy because they take everything so personally. where other people feel kicked by an unkind world, the poet feels disemboweled. the slightest provocation can induce a fit of weeping or a fit of joy. others cannot understand why he does what he does, and the poet is often clueless himself.” now while i dont actually consider myself a poet – i feel like this does do a decent job of describing me. especially the last few lines. yes – i do cry – as much as i hate to admit it. and as much as people hate to see it - it happens. and the part about being clueless to what i do? man – most days i have no idea. the question i end up asking god is why does he give me all these feelings. and why are they so strong? why does he make me love with everything i am – only to be given up on. i will never understand this about myself – and most days i absolutely hate it. i have never been one to hold things inside – and it never seems to get me anywhere but on the road to ruin. i cant even count the times that ive heard “will, i cant handle all your feelings...they are just too much.” these days i am so scared to love. im scared at scaring people – and i am scared at scarring my heart that much more. somehow in my mind – noone is ever going to be able to look at this heart and love it for what it is. its been given away too many times – only to be tossed back with a nice little note attached saying no thanks. but still i am confounded by what god shows me. isnt he the one who gives me these feelings? why does he slap me in the face with the most perfect someone – only for them to be taken away? is this how i am supposed to learn to love? cause god – im not sure i want to learn it if i have to go through this crap.

but i will wait. ill wait because i know that its worth it. ill wait because i have met the most amazing person that i have ever met, and i honestly believe that god has something amazing in store for us. ill wait because i have never had such feelings before – and i cant contain them – although i know i should. ill wait because i know that nothing worth having comes easy. ill wait because the thought of her smile keeps me going through even these low places. ill wait because i saw the way that she loves people. but most importantly i will wait for her because she is the one i have always dreamed about. and although i have dreamed of her my whole life – there are so many things she is that i never even dreamed of. the wake of people that she leaves in her path adore her. as do i. so this is why i wait – and these are the demons that wrestle with...

adore...

2009-02-05T04:29:00.002+01:00

lord i pray

for peace
for strength

you have shown me a picture of how it can be
a picture of what i have dreamed of
a person who shares my soul
one i absolutely adore

lord i pray

for integrity
for wisdom

my heart cries out today
for so many things
will i be loved
by others than you

will i keep drowning
or learn how to swim
with these things floating
constantly in my head

god i cry out

for your strength
not mine

its by your grace
i swim
and drown
in your love

these visions i see
of this one i adore

i pray it is your heart
not mine
i now see

mildly entertaining...

2008-09-29T19:59:00.004+02:00

here is the latest thing that made me laugh.. i will just let you read it... good job guys - once again you always seem to get it right...

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2008/sep/19/sbc-stores-hide-magazine-cover-girl-pastors/?partner=RSS

my response...

2008-09-19T08:49:00.002+02:00

“i have a few words to tell you. if you know you are planting and will never reap, why waste your time? dying people should be left to die..”

“no. if i have to bring up a child, let me bring up the one with a future.”

“i don’t like wasting time. I think such children should not even exist.”

“i would only bring it up if i am guaranteed that this kid is impotent. But if normal – no. You know why? I will be in the front line in spoiling the world..”

“positive(HIV) people should be thrown in a deep pit and be buried. They don’t have to exist.”

“bringing up such a child means i want AIDS to dominate the world. “

“please. I hate wasting time, and that is wasting time. why should i do that?”

“no, because my husband cant agree. he hates people with AIDS..”

“no such a thing should ever come to a normal persons mind..”

the question was this: Could you bring up (foster or adopt) a baby who is HIV positive? out of almost 40 people who were surveyed only about 5 gave any kind of positive answer. the above were just a few examples of the remaining responses given. this is just a bit of research that has been done in preparation for the new baby centre that will be opening in conjunction with Limuru Children Centre. it will be a rescue for babies with HIV that have literally been thrown away. maybe it shouldn’t surprise me that there are people who think this way in the world. maybe i shouldn’t get these knots in my stomach that i get when i read these responses over and over. maybe i shouldn’t get so damn mad about such things – but honestly i do. i find myself biting my tongue and searching for the right emotion, that i can never seem to find..

i see children everyday who have HIV - we have a few at LCC – and many more in the villages surrounding the centre. i wish you could see their beautiful faces. i wish you could look into their eyes and catch a glimpse of their souls. and if you could only hear their laughter.. none of these thoughts would ever cross any human being’s mind. what child has a choice in what they are born with? why do some deserve so much more than others? (another question that i find myself asking quite regularly) who gave anyone the right to pass judgment on a single one of these children or think that they are better than these? are we so quick to throw away a life? what if a vaccine is invented next year?

ill just ask this.. Can one day you look your father in the eyes – and expect him to say well done my good and faithful servant – if we allow this ignorance to perpetuate? how long will ignorance prevail?

the children..

2008-08-08T09:04:00.000+02:00

so many times I have woken up thinking to myself – what am I doing here? too many times I have not known. so many nights I have laid awake and thought to myself – did I help anyone but myself today? too many times the answer has been a definite no. these days are different in a way. im still not entirely sure that I can definitively answer these questions I long to know the answers to - but I don’t feel quite as lost. its hit my pretty hard lately – more than usual – that none of what I do is supposed to be for me. patrick (the guy who runs the centre) and I get a lot of time to talk these days – and he never fails to remind me that no matter what is going on, no matter how much things become foggy or messed up or just hard, everything we do and the whole reason we are there is for these kids.

beloved children of the father.

ive heard horror stories that will stay with me my entire life. ive seen the emotional scars left on innocent children that affect them in ways I cant even imagine in my worst nightmares. most times I refuse to believe that any of these stories can be true- and without fail I am wrong. but what strikes me the most is not any of this. what strikes me the most is how much this affects my thoughts, actions, and sheer emotions – while none of it happened to me. none. what have those beautiful eyes seen? where have their feet trod? who has made them do what? none of it deserved – and none explainable. and I wonder where god was at. and I ask questions that I can never know the answer to. and I question my humanity. and I wonder…

then they smile. and they laugh like they have never had a sad or tough day in their life, and they hold my hand and wont let go... and they look in my eyes with an innocence that is impossible to understand. and somehow it starts to make a bit of sense. not much – but a bit. ive never seen so much joy written so blatently on a childs face. ive never seen so much beauty in ragged clothing. ive never seen such pure hearts with so much dirt covering these faces and feet. and in this beautiful mess – I see the face of my god – when I was just wondering how in the hell he could really be here.

james 1:27 says religion that god our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. never before has this meant so much to me. never before have I even vaguely understood as I think I am starting to now. the world is a messed up place and ive just seen bits and pieces of it – but somehow there are these beacons of hope that I glace upon here and there. needless to say – im not sure I will look at this life with the same eyes again…

africa and all its craziness..

2008-07-22T18:26:00.001+02:00

this place is beautiful but crazy. things here are and aren’t quite what I expected. some days I feel as if I have stepped back a few hundred years. some days I feel things are right where they should be. one day im taken aback and humbled by what people don’t have and how they do things. at the same time – I wonder why I think I have things figured out – or why my way is the right way. who am i to say what is backwards or crazy? I should know by now – that I have nothing figured out and that my ways are not usually the right ones, so why do I so many times feel this? I think the more I stay here – this may subside.

society here is a bit weird for me. separation is something that I have never felt really comfortable with – and here with the whites it seems completely normal and acceptable. most whites here employ cooks, housekeepers, guards, gardeners, etc.. I feel like this is a good thing and blesses people with jobs and hopefully some sense of purpose. but from what I can tell – most of the time they are just treated like hired help. I personally plan on trying to build relationships with people and treat them the same way that I would treat any of my friends, no matter if they are working the farm or hold some ‘respectable position’ somewhere. some of the people here seem to have a problem socialising with the people who hold different jobs and whom think they are too good to be at a party with people who are ‘just help’. I guess my point is this: if someone doesn’t come along and think that things are wrong and try to make some sort of change – it will perpetuate. there have been talks of having dinner parties, or just gatherings for tea – and when it is mentioned – there is talk of not inviting certain people for worry that they wont feel comfortable. honestly – I think it all crap. and some of the excuses I have heard is that – maybe the guys who work the farm wont feel comfortable coming into our home for dinner. maybe they will feel like they have to invite us to their homes. maybe the white guests will feel like they cant be themselves around the guys who labour for us. I say that they can get over it. I say that maybe the reason that they wont feel comfortable is because we haven’t taken the time to invite them in before. I say forget how things are – and try to break out of these petty ass ways. and its not like – this would be invading and trying to change someones culture and making it like ours. its treating people like the people and children of god that they are. they are made in his image exactly like we are. they are called friends of Christ – just like we are. can inviting them in and getting to know them this way be so bad? the time for separation and the like has passed – and in fact should never have been. as Christians – we cant afford to act this way – and I believe that it is wrong. jesus would have never played these games – and we shouldn’t either. the sheer meaning of being a Christian goes out the window when these things start to happen. and I never want to succumb to that. maybe this goes in the face of many well respected people here – but once again I will choose to say that I don’t care. I don’t want a part of that. the god that I love and choose to serve just wont put up with that. so thanks but no thanks - ill choose to go with my heart on this one.

safari tomorrow...

2008-07-08T19:47:00.000+02:00

once again – not really sure where to start. not in a bad way – just don’t know what all I want to talk about. trying to keep this thing updated is something I want to do – but not something that I am very good at. today was a long day as it was the last day for the team here was going to see the kids this year. we had something of a carnival for them – and tons of gifts. I huge Kenyan feast for the kids, and there were lots of hugs as well as tears. I on the other hand will be here – so I got to stand on the outside and see things from other peoples eyes in a way. one thing is for sure – and that is the love that is there. these folks on this trip love those kids. and those kids aren’t really sure about much – but they know that they love them as well. you could see it in their eyes. you could see it in their eyes every day really – but it seemed a bit magnified this afternoon. but im not surprised. I wont ever be able to think about Africa again without thinking about most of those faces. but my time here isn’t quite up yet – so those thoughts will be saved for another day.

we leave tomorrow for safari and I am very excited. it will be a much appreciated break – for we have had some long days the last week and a half. friday night I return – then get on another plane for western Kenya on sunday. will be back in lemuru I guess around wednesday. then the real work begins I think. the farm is on its way to be running. the month of july will be getting things ready to go. we hired a guy to be the farm manager – and he is super cool. good things are going to happen. just crazy how things are starting to go – and how god can put together the most random pieces and make them fit. guess it shouldn’t really surprise me. not sure who all will be living with me as of yet – but right now an austrailian couple, kalen (my co-worker) and AB will be there until he leaves in august. seems like there is another guy I cant remember his story who will be there as well. the house is amazing and I am very excited about moving in soon. initially we will be growing mostly veggies, and will move into chickens, cows, maybe goats, and loads of other things. strawberries, and a few other fruits as well. it is a very exciting thing. new beginnings. also there is a cheese making facility across the street - and the cheese is amazing. that excites me too.

there are some other things I want to say at some point – when I get my thoughts in better order. but until then – ill try to keep things updated. and more pics ill post soon. just a matter of doing it I guess. but ill write more when I return from western Kenya. oh yeah – I found out today that ill be going to Zanzibar for my birthday… so excited…

small update...

2008-07-05T08:26:00.004+02:00

saturday is here. got to sleep in a bit and woke to coffee and an omlet. things here have still been really busy - but not in a bad way. today we are off to the farm where i soon will be living - and hosting all the boarders from the center in a picnic.. im pretty sure football will be involved as well as lots of eating and chasing all the kids around. im pretty excited - its a beautiful day. the weather here is amazing. its their winter - and it feel so nice. never gets above about 70ish and they say in the hottest of summer its only about 10 degrees more. we are almost at 8000ft here - and the mornings are cool and the nights as well. just enough to wear a pullover and shorts. my kind of weather. as much as i love praha - the weather here just is so nice compared to there.

so thursday we spent the morning in the slums of nairobi. its called kibera - and there are over a million people living in one square mile. there are over 50k orphans alone. this was the main site that the post-election violence took place back in january. it was quite a sight - and i didnt really know what to make of it. raw sewage runs through most of the streets, and houses are about 10x10 with usually up to 10 people in each house. there is one outhouse per 50-60 families. needless to say - it was something i have never seen before. we met with a pastor at a church, named raphael. amazing guy. they have so many really cool minitries there - including one to help women learn a trade. they have a sewing school - and dont charge the women anything - because most cant afford it.

anyway - i will post more later but for now here are a few pics...
and yes i am aware that this is a few days late.

the boarders at the orphanage

patricks farm

me and patrick

life from these eyes...

2008-07-03T16:44:00.001+02:00

well its been about a week since I left mississippi. so much to say that I am not even sure where to start.. ill see if I can just describe what we have been doing over the last few days..

got into brakenhurst around 9ish on friday night a bag short , a bit tired, but here. I couldnt really tell much about anything since it was dark – but the weather was beautiful and cool. when we left the terminal – there were so many people waiting for us to help and to greet us. the kenyans who were there were probably some of the friendliest people whom ive ever met, and although I didn’t realise it at the time –they are quickly becoming great friends. upon arriving at bracken – I started to see how beautiful this place is. the stars were to bright. its so nice to be out in the open among so many new plants that I don’t know.

then I got to meet the team who is here these first 3 weeks. I only knew a few of them – but now I feel as if I have known them all my life. I think our numbers are around 20 total people – of which include about 4 of my new coworkers with global connections. so many things to take in – that it has been a bit crazy. but really fun.

and I headed to bed…

and I have my own cottage.

saturday we headed to patricks house. patrick is the guy who runs the childrens center. his family lives on the most perfect farm that you could ever dream of. his mother has a house there – as well as patrick and his wife with their 5 children. the 35 boarders from LImuru Childrens Center met us there – and we got to meet the children for the first time. they were so cool. we hiked around the property and just got to know them – while just taking it all in. huge fields of cabbage, flowers, and other veggies were as far as you could see to the bottom of the valley. then on the other side of the property – tea fields. but the kids.. man – they were so cool and helping me to try and learn a bit of kswahili. so much fun. I even had my own personal photographer – as one of the kids grabbed the camera and just was taking pics of everything. he probably did a better job than me. getting back to the house – patricks mom told us how she started the center/orphanage. needless to say – we all were impossibly moved. she was so thankful for us – and I felt the same way. such a wonderful lady and family. and we said our goodbyes.

sunday we went to church at the local church – a 5 min walk from bracken – and had a great time. they were so welcoming and loved having us there. I didn’t understand much that morning – but that didn’t stop us from having a great time and feeling the joy that they felt. I haven’t met so many people ever who are so happy – and have so little. at least we think its little.

I guess that leads me to my next observation. ive never been to a place like this anywhere. ive never been somewhere among a people who are so joyful among so much poverty. im not even sure how to describe how the scene looks. narrow roads filled with people walking, growing crops on the roadside, donkeys, cows, goats, sheep and chickens roaming free on the road. the occasional cars passes flying by (on the wrong side to me..) and stores (read - shacks with holes in the sides and maybe a tin roof) with people trying to scratch out a living, lining the streets. then all of a sudden you come to compounds with huge walls and guards and the most beautiful house you could think of. complete with monkeys in the trees and more flowers than you can name. im not doing this any justice – so I think ill move on for now.

monday we were at the newer center all day working. we had several projects going – and got most of them done. played with the kids and hung out with the workers.
tuesday we were at the original center – and it was so much fun. I got to help cook, as well as wash clothes and play with the kids. once again – everything is so different. the ladies who work there and live with the kids are so cool – they just make you smile with one look. then – you get to talking to them and you cant help but just light up. amazing people – and so happy. man it makes me think about so many things. they helped me smile. they were so excited to know that I was staying – and I am not sure ive had so many hugs in a really long time. they were so excited that I was going to be a part of the family! things are gonna be a lot of fun. I spent the rest of the afternoon showing off the football (soccer) skills that I did not have – then we left for dinner at about 5.

and today was spent seeing and helping at several different places that im sure ill be seeing more of in the weeks to come. and as I spend more time there – I will write more. one was an HIV/AIDS support program that my new friends Duncan and Cornell run. the other was a feeding program that an older English lady has been running for a really long time now. I was blown away – and I am so excited to just jump in and see what can happen. but more on that later.

ill be here at bracken until I think the 12th. internet is limited a bit – but I can get on this some. I should get a phone number on friday – and maybe ill know my address soon too. ill be moving to the farm soon – and it is amazing. seriously – it looks like something from the movie out of Africa. we have about 10 acres to farm, an amazing garden and space for hogs, chickens and cows. we even have avacodo trees in our front yard… im so stoked… I promise pics soon.. I miss you all – and if you have not been to africa – you really should. your heart will be blessed.

heading home to kenya...

2008-06-13T23:13:00.004+02:00

where to start...

life. such a weird thing it can be. guess i spend loads of my time trying to figure out what it is supposed to entail and look like. im guessing im not alone on this one. but sometimes i just wonder why things happen. i mean - so many things dont make a bit of sense. so many things hurt, leave me without hope, and so many things just suck. it feels like every pitch that i am thrown, i end up swinging and missing. a ridiculous swinging-for-the-fence, come out of your shoes type strike.

but life goes on.

shortly after all this came to the abrupt stop that it did, i got a call from one of my best friends, asking if i would consider moving to kenya to work for global connections. ive seen this organisation grow over the years, and have always looked fondly upon it. the folks who sit on the board and all who are involved with it, have great hearts, and love to help people. without too much delay i told them i would love to. really i didnt know many details, and i still dont know too many - but i will find out when i get there. there will be lots to do, and probably not enough time to do it in, but i am excited. we partner with an orphange there, as well as several other NGOs in Kenya and in a few other countries as well. ive never been to africa at all - but im just gonna leave this in gods hands and trust that he will take care of me.

so i get to thinking about all i have said and done in my life. and how many times i have told people and said that i really want to be helping people with my life, not just doing what will wants to do. and i think how i have never really done this. i mean i say it all the time - but i still havent really done it. so there it is god - i want to do this - but do i really want to? and so he calls me out on it. basically saying to me - if you are gonna talk a big game - then you need to have the game to back it up. funny how god called my bluff - but im going. i think it took a good kick in the ass - but i will gladly see where it takes me.

i leave the 26th of june from memphis and get to kenya the next day sometime after flying through detroit and amsterdam on to nairobi. i hope that i can keep this updated and keep you all updated - that is if there is anyone who still reads this thing...

back.

2008-01-21T16:20:00.000+01:00

im back. back in prague. back for who knows how long. things are a bit - different. seems thing have gotten a bit more expensive (although probably still manageable.) things are weird being back. i know about 5 people at my school - and a few more at church. but this transition may take awhile. it was a bit harder to leave nashville that i initially anticipated - but for so many nice reasons. and for at least one of those reasons - a large part of my heart now resides there. so much happened in such a short time period. good things - and things that make me smile uncontrollably. and maybe also make my heart hurt a bit too - but i think its all part of it. so i will attempt to make good on my promise to keep this updated. i miss you all - and i think of you often. im assuming that if you are reading this - you probably know me. thank you for thinking of me and reading. i have turned the comments off of here. although you can comment along the right hand side if you need to. i just dont care to really start any discussions on here. this is just me living. but thanks for reading if you are interested. well - more to come at a latter time. for now this is it. off to get some syr and roliky...

more ramblings...

2007-10-22T13:27:00.000+02:00

lately again i have been struggling with a few things. one of them being how to not make this blog sound so negative or depressed. i guess these are the times that usually feel most like writing. it helps me to get feelings out there - so noone has to really bother with all my mess. but there are still going to be those posts - im quite sure. so i hope that you bear with me. i guess there is lots going on really - lots to be thankful for and some things that have just torn my heart to pieces. maybe some of those things to be thankful for will help mend my heart in some ways. at least i can hope...

most of you know that the czech republic seems to have a hold on my heart somehow. im not too sure why by any means - but it just seems to be in my heart. the country, the people, and the friends i still have there. one of the visions that i have had for prague started back with i visited dresden for the first time and saw the pub/prayer room there. i saw something very similar in prague. a place for people to go to talk to god- about god -or to just go and be. a safe place of sorts - one where you know people - and they know you. its something in my life i have always longed for. i love walking into my local and knowing people. having good conversation and being in that community. it is a bit odd - but somehow in those settings i have found more community than i have found in the places it should be - namely church. people are real in pubs. people are themselves. people dont mind asking for help - and putting themselves out there. which is why i think those few pub-prayer rooms do such amazing things for people.

so here is the funny part. seems that god is already working on this. through a few friends - i find out that there are a few other people whom i havent met yet - with a somewhat similar vision. only it includes a hostel. the more the merrier i say. seems that the timing is right and other things are lining up. i honestly never really thought that this would happen - but once again god just laughs at me. not a mean laughing - but one with him kinda smirking saying under his breath - "thats what you get for underestimating me punk!" well january is it - the start of yet another journey. who knows what it will hold. we shall see - so ill keep you abreast of the happenings. im excited...

my prayer tonight...

2007-08-14T08:39:00.000+02:00

so overwhelmed and comfused
(i miss you jax..)
never sure where to start or where it all ends
does it end?
how long must i feel this way

god - why do i do the things i do?
why am i the way i am?
how can i mess up so much-so often?
did you really make me in your image?
actually i hope not....
i need your beauty
i need you to be so much more
i need your strength and love

please love me...

hold my hand...

so many ways i screw things up
with love
with life
with friends
with family
with love
why cant this be?

oh yes, and love..

father i need you...

i feel that there isnt one person who understands me
i fear that i will never be loved or be able to give love
i hope that this is wrong
while i know it is
still i need to know

i pray this is not who i am
is there someone for me father?
am i worth having even?
can i make those sacrifices?
will someone else love me?
make my world stand still
if only for a moment
love

do you love me?

my prayers are for the world to see me how i am
not for who i could be
and love me in spite of this
in spite of all my insecurites and screw ups
love me
really love me
to not care where i have been
but where i so long to go

father god you are all i have
you are most of what i long for.
make me long for only you
you alone
and please never leave...

i need to see your face...

lessons from st. arbucks....

2007-07-25T04:45:00.000+02:00

as im sure a few of you guys know - i have been working at starbucks for the last several months in a way to make ends meet here in nashville while i try to figure out where i will venture to next. if you have ever worked retail/food service industry, then im sure a lot of what i am about to say will make total sense. if you have not - well i will leave this sentence to be finished by you. here is my attempt to record what i have learned and how i have changed my habits since working in such an establishment.

kindness is noticed. not only noticed - but greatly appreciated. i cant tell you how nice it is when people are just nice. it goes so far with people. it makes your day a bit nicer and it makes the person behind the bar/counter/younameit want to do a good job. and the opposite is true as well. i find myself going in restaurants trying my damndest to smile and be the most polite that i can be. i hope i can just make things a bit easier for the waiter/waitress whom is being so kind as to SERVE me. did you get that? SERVE. kind of a crazy word - one that most people have no concept of. just think about it a few minutes... it takes some humility to even do what they are doing.

when it is closing time - it is the time for those people who work there to go home. well - after they clean up after you. how would you like me to come into your law office wanting you to stay open a few more minutes for something i just have to have that minute? if a restaurant closes at 10 - dont come in at 9:50 wanting to be served. it is rude. and how would you feel if i told you that you were doing your job wrong? also - would i come into your office and ask you to change the music because you didnt like it - or ask you to turn it down because you are trying to talk/work/write/gossip/babysit? come on - you came there. if you dont like how it is - then go home.

people need people. im firmly convinced that one of the main reason that starbucks is still in business - is loneliness. because it isnt the coffee. i cant tell you how many people come in this store day after day for personal interaction. they want to talk and pretend that you are their friend. i cant imagine how much money these people spend on lattes and frufru drinks a month or even a year. i think this just goes to prove that god created us to need one another and fellowship with one another. as much as sometimes i hate to be around people - it is good for me. it challenges me and teaches me so many things.

people never cease to amaze me. i have had these things happen to me or a co-worker whilst working at starbucks: a lady buys a slice of lemon pound cake - proceeded to eat half of it - brings it to the counter and asks me, can i have something else? i didnt like this very much. me: really? im sorry - i cant. next guy - not the same time. orders coffee and it is still brewing. i say - it will take a few minutes. when it is finished brewing i tell him it is ready. he in turn tells me that he thinks he shouldnt have to pay for this because he has to wait 3 minutes. and now people are getting mad that we are not giving sleeves(the little wasteful piece of cardboard wrapped around the cup)on drinks that are not hot enough to need one. really folks? you care that little about waste? there are just a few... you would be so suprised to hear some of the stories. just ask - ill be glad to tell you.

anyway - i learn a bit every day. mostly good and helps my patience grow. but some times i can just feel the anger stirred in me by st. arbucks...

for you

2007-05-03T03:46:00.000+02:00

find myself here
now
thinking again
wondering

how this goes
what it means
where it leads

lacking for words
this heart
transparent
again

who i am
all i can be
games no more
the promises of this day

where are you
where will you be
do you know
i dare you to see

this life so free
his grace I need
help me see

please stay now
this is for you

your face...

2007-04-21T21:34:00.000+02:00

oh god - help me i pray
i need to see your beautiful face

more than anything now
this sinner needs your grace

stumbling and falling
my legs grow tired from running

running from you
running to your arms

catch me please

where can i go
all i know is you

holy god - help me to see
your love for me

as i stare into your eyes
through my brothers on the street
help me to see

your face

inside...in pieces...

2007-04-12T05:12:00.000+02:00

is it really april already? the 11th? wow..

sometimes i am not sure if i am running from god or running to him. is it too much to ask for some sort of sign? i know - my time isnt his. or actually i guess my time actually is. where am i - and where has my year gone? confusion is starting to set in - as well as a few other things.

seems all i do is work. for what im not sure...

want to make a change, make a real difference. how? where?
(me, really god?)
love is real. i want to love everyone. love wins and love never gives up.
what is love?

life is questions that somehow i cant answer - not yet..
who can know?
people i meet - and deeper in love i fall in all ways.
children. gods, all.

laughter, tears. what is real? my insides are in pieces.
im a liar. a loser - but i know i am loved. beloved one am i.
the promise of you.
holding, standing, clinging to that.
nonsense.

leave me high. but please stay here with me.
where i am to go - only you know.

slight update

2007-02-01T19:02:00.000+01:00

so here i am again - several months since my last post. im here in nashville still - just working all the time. nothing much new to report really. i had to turn word verification on - on the blog comments - so that the guys selling viagra couldnt comment anymore. pretty annoying.

been doing a small group with some guys i met - reading a book called Our Father Abraham by Marvin Wilson. It is about the Jewish roots of the Christian faith. Man - it is really good so far. making me rethink lots of the things that i thought i knew - and allowing me to think in new and different ways. ill share my thoughts a bit more - when i am more into it. the guys and girls in the group are really cool - and are among the first people here that i have really connected with. a nice change.

im looking forward to my next step - though not exactly sure what it will be yet. have been filling out my application to Fuller Seminary in California. I think i will be there in the fall (pending accepted application) or back in prague potentially. I really miss that place. Something took hold of my heart there - and is pulling me back. I know i will be back there sometime. Just not exactly sure when. I hope that everyone is well and i will try to be better at this as usual.

i'll admit it..

2006-11-05T21:14:00.000+01:00

so i am the worst blogger ever. i realize that i have crossed into that zone where noone even will look at my blog anymore - for lack of content. i cant blame anyone for that. so i guess i will just give a brief update about what is going on these days besides wishing that i was back in prague.

got a few jobs. working now at REI and also starbucks. oh yeah - this is all happening in nashville, tn. most of you know the real reason i moved here - and it wasnt my new sweet jobs. linds and i are doing well - enjoying being able to actually see each other sometimes when we both arent working our tails off. days are long and there hasnt been much time off - but it has been fun so far.

now that i have been gone for so long from prague - i am missing it so much. i miss walking everywhere and i resent having to buy a car. i miss the weather, the city and the lifestyle. but at least i am in a city again. cities make me feel a bit better. they give me things to think about. anyway - i am here. anyone - feel free to visit. just call first to make sure i havent hopped a plane back to prague. i have been tempted too many times. i think spring is calling me back there. guess we will see.

labor day weekend

2006-09-03T23:13:00.000+02:00

i know - not much excuse for going this long in between posts. plus i dont have a good reason for not posting. anyway - im still here in mississippi. been here for almost 2 months now. im pretty much going crazy having withdrawals from prague and the gorgeous landscape, better known as the czech republic. things here arent quite the same. lots has been on my mind - which i will try to tell about better in the coming days. as of my plans for now - im not quite sure. i have a few options - that i am still trying to discern between. when i know more - ill let everyone know.

lindsay has been here for the long weekend - and it has been fun. we havent done alot to be honest - but it has been really nice. for now we are both floundering a bit - myself more than her - but that is ok. things will work out like they should - and i am not worried about it. i think we both are just waiting on the doors that i know god will open.

i was reading the ever informative meridian star yesterday and came across an article that basically said the same things as this article that i am posting. it really disturbed me and got me to thinking. here it is if you want to read it. this is the article that was in a baptist paper too - so this isnt coming from a source that is skewed to the left or anything. it has to do with tongues and the intolerable stance that this denomination has taken on this.

http://www.baptiststandard.com/postnuke/index.php?module=htmlpages&func=display&pid=4288

i will refrain from making any other comments on this stance taken by baptists, besides the fact that once again i am really dissappointed and very intrigued at how ignorant and intolerant people can be. decide for yourself when you read. just one more reason why i choose to dissassociate myself (the fourth paragraph is really interesting...) from this denomination that i was raised in. in trying to grow more like christ - i have to ask myself : in rejecting the way people worship and how they communicate with christ - is this christlike? i just wonder....

all this brings to mind a song by derek webb that i love makes me think about a lot.

a king and a kingdom

who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

i hope that this song makes you think. oh and by the way - if you want to download the whole album free and legally - just go to freederekwebb.com

come out and play...

2006-07-17T02:07:00.000+02:00

any reason to have a party is usually a good one. as long as it doesnt involve feelings of obligation, dress codes or unnecessary presents. last night there were around 45 people here - not counting 10 kids and my family. lots of people to say the least. it was great to see people and it does not even seem like i have been gone for a year. but that being said - so much has changed and it never fails that i perpetually feel older and older. minus a few people - most all of my boys were together last night. not very often that all these folks are together - so it was really good. stayed up kinda late having good conversation and drinks, and just hanging out. i was pretty blown away that so many people showed up and it made me realise how much i miss some of these people. im glad i got to see everyone - it had been a long time.

most of my boys...

a week in mississippi...

2006-07-15T16:05:00.000+02:00

im back. back from the czech republic and here in mississippi. things are well. it has been an eventful week for me - so i will try to catch you up - because i realise that you are on the edge of your seat waiting...

the plane ride home was pretty uneventful. i was all worried about leaving the country, afraid that my bags would weigh too much or that passport control would say something about me overstaying my welcome a bit. turns out the only slight problem was the american customs guy in canada, who grilled me about every little freaking detail of where i had been. you give a little guy a gun and somewhat of a title - and they think they are the coolest guy ever. guess the good ole US of A doesnt think you should be gone too long, or bring back foreign chocolate for that matter... it wouldnt have been so bad if i wasnt to the point already of almost missing my next flight to altanta. for some reason since i flew through canada to get home - i had to recheck all my luggage and go back through security in montreal before i could fly to atlanta. wasnt too much fun - considering that i had two huge bags plus my carry on. i had to lug these across the airport with no help. sucked. but anyway - i made the flight - although just barely. but i made it to meridian on time and no problems.

this week i have gotten to see most everyone that i have wanted to see - and those that i havent - i will see them tonight. i am having some folks over to my parents house tonight. should be a good time. during the week i have been mostly working for my dad, helping him out some and working around the house some. mom had surgery on thursday - so i am trying to help out with her too. things have been steady and pretty busy. today i will get resdy for the party tonight and tomorrow will be the day of rest.

it is pretty hot here - although i think i have figured out the reason everyone here thinks it is hotter than i think it is. in prague hardly anywhere has air conditioning. i mean - shops and some restaurants do - but hardly any flats. here - you walk in a house and it is 70 (21c). my theory is that here you just never get used to the heat. how can you when you step back and forth changing 20 degrees constantly? anyway...

well i will write more soon. i do miss prague and the river, and going to the park. i miss the beer and i miss some friends. but home has been nice so far. i have eaten way too much this week - trying to catch up on the stuff i have been missing. but next week i am going to be back to eating good - no more of all this junk. sucks to get older and have to actually watch what you eat. bye for now...

summer beings..

2006-07-04T15:35:00.000+02:00

so my summer officially began yesterday. cant say that i have accomplished much. just some packing here and there - and being really lazy for the most part. saturday i will be going back to the states for the first time in almost a year. there are lots that i am looking forward to. seeing my family, and having a chance to catch up with some friends. eating some food that i have missed, and seeing some familiar things. my cat delawrence and maybe some swimming and being lazy. i will spend most of july being in meridian - then in august i hope to spend most of my time with linds when she gets back from korea and mongolia. i havent seen her since may 23rd - but who is counting anyway...

saying goodbye is never easy - and i am probably the worst ever at doing it. sunday night after church i said goodbye to bekah, katie and kristen. last night i said goodbye to geoff. today at lunch i said bye to katka and there is no telling who else i will have to do the same with beffore i go. right now the plans are to come back here in september - but there is a lot of time in between now and then. you just never know what is going to happen. the nice thing is that i have made loads of lasting relationships here and i know that i will see these people again. makes it a bit easier.

anyway - the summer should be nice. i will be in the sweltering heat again in mississippi. maybe i will swing the sticks a bit or go skiing. whatever i do - i will just have to bum a ride. having no car in the states is not an easy task. bye for now..

my fascination with castles..

2006-06-18T09:41:00.000+02:00

castles. for some reason growing up - if you would have asked me the question "if you could go back in time to be anything, what would you be? well i would have almost always said a knight who lived in a castle. maybe this is where i get my love for castles from. well - that coupled with the fact that they just dont exist in america. so lately i have been on a spree to see some of the ones here that are really close and i have just been too lazy to go see. im not going to take the time to tell you the histories - but i will link them so you can read them for yourself. it is quite amazing how many castles there are just here in the czech republic. castles, castle ruins and chateaus basically - that some people call castles as well. i visited Konopiště with bekah last weekend and Křivoklát with jeff this weekend. They both were really nice - but i think that Křivoklát was my favorite of the two. the town below and around were so cool. well - enjoy the pictures. and if you want to see all the other castles and ruins and other things here in the CZ republic - check out this site.

(just some more ammunition that you will have on me linds...)

Konopiště from the distance

Konopiště side view by the moat

two of the towers of Konopiště

Konopiště in bloom

other side of Konopiště

Křivoklát walking up

Křivoklát looking up from the main path

how often do you get to shoot a crossbow in a castle courtyard? (Křivoklát)

lookout on Křivoklát

looking up from the town on Křivoklát

my pops

2006-06-18T09:01:00.000+02:00

june 18th - father's day. man this weekend flew by. and once again - nice to be reminded by some folks back home and the adverts on the net that it is fathers day in america.

not sure what to say about my dad. as much as my brother and i may clown on him and give him a hard time - it is pretty hard to overlook the fact that i could not have asked for a better father and friend. growing up i usually wondered what in the heck i had to do this and that for - and why he was so adamant about so many things - but now i know. he just loved my brother and i. and more than that - he loved all of my friends pretty much as if they were his own. looking back now i see the willingness to do anything for anybodys kid. anyone needed a ride to scouts? call fred. anyone need a chaparone for a trip? fred was there. (although he got banned from church trips because of a small flatulance problem..) no signs of selfishness there in the least. yeah - he may have been pissed at me for coming home when i was like 13 with an earring - but after we had it out - he didnt care anymore. he has even put up with mine and my brothers friends for all these years - which is no small feat in itself - and he still ended up with more hair than both of his sons... i may even would go so far as if to say he valued my opinion after that incident. over the years he has helped me see so many different things in a light that on my own, i wouldnt have been able to. i may never read zig ziglar like he wants - but he still gives great advice. he taught me how to play baseball and took me camping. i have always said that if i could ever be half the man that my dad was - then i would be doing alright. he would never admit that he was anything special, but the truth is that he has always been my hero. in so many ways i still am a kid wanting to be just like his dad.

thanks dad for showing me a small glimpse of what my heavenly father is like and thank you for giving me something to look up to. cant wait to see you and hang out. love ya...

coming to america...

2006-06-15T18:56:00.000+02:00

so maybe some of you know and some dont - because i probably have been a terrible friend and not kept in touch as well as i should have - but i am gonna be home on july 8th.. this is coming so soon - and i am really getting excited to see everyone. it will have been a year. wierd in a few different ways. one just because i have never gone that long without going home. the second is that it seems like just yesterday i came here. time has flown by and i have been loving it. (well - besides a few tough weeks after lindsay took off back to nashvegas.) I have a ticket back to Praha on the 8th of September. So I will just be chillin for the most part in the sweltering heat of MS. I hope that i get to see loads of folks when i am home - but i dont have a car anymore - so i am not sure how much running around i will get to do. So anyway - come on by the folks house and see me if you can. I most likely will be there for all of july. august i will be going here and there to weddings, visit people and maybe take a road trip or 2. so anyway - just wanted to let you guys know - for anyone who cares. that is about it for now - nothing profound to say really (wait...not sure i ever do) so i will make this short. enjoy your weekend - i know i will...

btw (josh) - it wasnt that cool here when our team got killed by the czechs...

Thomaš actin a fool...

my dreams...

2006-05-31T18:13:00.000+02:00

had lots of time lately to think. not sure that it is always a good thing - but some of what comes out can be. seems that for the most part i am a dreamer and while this may require a bit of thought with my head - mostly it consists of just feelings from my heart. but recently (well the last 11 months or so..) i have been thinking so much about the church. it has taken me quite awhile to come to love a church - but i am starting to. guess you can see this from a lot of my past entries too. i should just note that most of my experiences in this area have been in american southern baptist church - so you know where i am coming from in the sentences that follow. i have been wondering lately what church could be like. what it could be if people actually tried to live like christ and really follow his teachings. these are all just dreams and thoughts of mine - but i thought i would share with you. and if you have some too - i would love to hear them.

i dream of a church that loves people for how they come. one that loves people for who they are - not who they could be. a church that doesnt look down upon the ones who show up how they are - while those others try to put on a show for everyone else there.

i dream of a church who wants to be challenged. a place where people like being uncomfortable. a place that has no room for stale traditions and ceremonies that no longer mean anything. a place where people are allowed to think for themselves and are not told what to think. a place where it is all right to disagree with each other and still be brothers and sisters.

i dream of a church that has no room for intolerance. a place that is free from sermons on abortions and homosexuality and issues of intolerance to drive people away from christ. but a church that has enough boldness to teach the love of christ. a place that will no longer support the segregation of sunday mornings in america.

i dream of a church united, where denominations are meaningless. where in towns we worship together and dont fight. where children are not brought up to think every other house of worship is not wierd just because they may not worship or act exactly like you may.

i dream of a church where people dance. i dream of a church that cries, sings and laughs. one where the rocks need not cry out in real worship because the people refuse to do so. one where art it embraced and encouraged. one where the people are open to new things and changes and dont bitch and moan when they dont get their way.

i dream of a church that doesnt lie. one where the actual bible is taught - not one where we do things just because that is how they have always been done. one that doesnt make up rules for living for me. one that realises that christianity is not a morality code, but a way of life.

i dream of a house of prayer. one who cries out to god on behalf of the nations daily. one whos people realize that their brothers and sisters are worldwide and they need our help. one whos only prayers are for its own peoples prosperity. a church that can see that most of our nations "problems" are pretty small in comparison with millions of peoples hunger.

i dream of a church where the preacher dosnt make six figures and thinks that it is ok. where the people in our churches would not let this happen. a church that would take care of people who needed it. a church that sends out missionaries everyday into the world and into our communities.

i dream of a church whos people dont need to be preached at. who dont need to be spoon fed everything and told how to act. one whos people come because the want to - not out of obligation.

i dream of a church based on relationships. real feelings, real hurt, real happiness. one that wont pass out a tract so they dont have to spend time and get to know a persons needs and feelings. a church that takes care of people - no matter how great the cost.

i dream of a church that is not concerned about membership numbers and what the return is on the dollars we spend, but knows it is all kingdom work. and knows that the kingdom is here now.

i dream of a church where everyone is equal. where you do not have to be a deacon or an elder to serve communion. where everyone is treated with the same respect. a church where the people who give more money would not have more say in what happens. a church free of politics and all the shit that goes along with it.

i dream of a church that preaches environmentalism. a place that realises that the kingdom is here now - and we are stewards of this great earth. one who doesnt spend thousands of dollars printing and throwing things away every week.

i dream of a church that will help my friends want to know christ, not give them every reason in the world to run far far away. i dream of a place where christians dont see themselves as better than the world and my friends in this world. a place where we dont only socialize with ourselves.

i dream of a church who wont condemn. whos people will love and not talk about people when they are hurting, but instead love them as christ did.

i dream of a church that is in love with the poor. not by giving some money - but by opening their doors and hearts. by not looking at those different than us with a wild eye. a church who loves those that christ so loves.

i dream of a church not in love with capitalism and shackled to the american dream. i dream of a place that doesnt preach a prosperity gospel when there are millions who dont even know where their next meal will come from. i dream of a christian who puts gods dreams in front of their own.

these are some of my dreams. i want these things to change in me first and foremost - and it is hard. but i think these are some of the things christ would have wanted.

more for you to see...

2006-05-27T22:47:00.000+02:00

the whole square

house on the square

another house on the square

linds in telč

another end of the square

kostel sv Jakuba Staršího

houses on the square in telč

telč zámek

drawing nearer to the future (or being thrown into it...)

2006-05-22T14:59:00.000+02:00

the weekend is gone and monday has shown it ugly head and turned again into a tuesday. the tuesday that i have been dreading and begging to not show up. time has successfully eluded me again. only this time - there is hope for what the future holds and not just mourning what has come and gone. saying goodbye here is as much a part of life as anything else. i can see frustration in people's eyes and smell the sadness that lingers in the air as it happens.

the weekend was a nice one. friday lindsay and i visited telč in south moravia. the weather was beautiful and the town was quite stunning. it almost seemed surreal as we walked through a small entryway next to the town square. to the right was the huge zamek(chateau) and the left unfolded the beautiful square. i must admit that it is one of the most beautiful squares that i have seen. each house was different and most all were over 300 years old - some even more. this town sits between two large ponds and is one of the bigger suppliers of carp in the region. we got to walk around the grounds of the zamek and the ponds and all around the town. it was a great day trip.

walking into church on sunday a bit late (i was suprised that we had started on time..) i noticed how many people were there. i mean - we average about 40-50 i would say - and there had to have been at least like 90. so anyway - i made my way up to the front to the place linds had saved for me. it was a pretty typical sunday really - chris leading worship, and the like, but something was special. i knew that this could be our last sunday to worship together (linds and i) in PCF. things could not have been more perfect. worship was heart wrenching, and i just could not help but to smile at this place that i have come to love so much. the people are so amazing and real. there are no pretenses. people worshipping with their whole being and just loving to be there in the presence of christ with other people that they have grown to love. well - i once again got to serve communion and with lindsay. i found myself to tears serving people. (i wonder why more churches dont let average church members do this act of worship. i have talked to so may people who for the first time at this church - have had the opportunity to serve communion and have been so blessed. i know i have. every other church i have ever been in - you had to be a deacon or something ridiculous like that.) we share a common cup and everyone just kinda files to the front to take the wine and bread. we go at our own pace and just do as you please- enter this time as you like. so nice. but at the very end - my buddy luke and magda - came almost running to the front and announced that they are now engaged! hell - i thought they were gonna announce that they kissed for the first time or something - because they had only been dating like 4 weeks! so cool though to hear their stories about how it happened and progressed. god is so good. then john announced that linds was leaving and about 10 people gathered around her and laid hands on her to pray. i was overwhelmed. the love in this community is so amazing. i love this church - it makes me dream and think. it encourages and loves and lets me come as i am. the best thing is that people are real. i mean - really real. they say what they think - and we dont always agree - but we are there for the same reasons. we want to follow christ. i want to try to be like christ. this is the essence of christianity - nothing else. just trying to be like christ. i know i stumble and fall alot - but with the help of my friends - i get right back up. the next 2 months are going to be really hard and long - but ill get through it. i just pray for gods peace and strength.

rainy days

2006-05-17T14:34:00.001+02:00

well today is rainy. has been off and on for the past few days - but i wont complain. i like the rain loads and it reminds me of home a bit. the week is slowly winding down to the weekend which i have been dreading for about 4 months now. my best friend in the world is leaving prague early tuesday and this is the last weekend that i will have to spend with her in prague. man - how time has flown. seems like just yesterday we were at futurum dancing until 430 in the morning. i think she knows that she will be missed more than i can say - but just in case... Linds i am gonna really miss you. it is gonna be a lonely few months until i travel home for the first time in august. i will get through it - but it wont be easy.

thought it may be fun for any of you guys who wanted - to be able to send me text messages for free over the internet. just click on the link below and type in my phone number. (777.372.054) and enter in any 9 numbers in the phone number blank. then just send the message. it is cool and wont cost either of us a thing. and if you have extra time and want to visit a cool site - go to the links at the right and visit the million dollar piggy bank. it is my buddy daves site - and is pretty cool. i think the first few people can sign up for free - so get on it!

vodaphone

for my mom... (and some other things..)

2006-05-14T13:25:00.000+02:00

checking my email last night i ran across one of the many ads reminding me that today is mothers day. man was i thankful for the reminder. here in the czech republic - i think mothers day is some other day because it certainly isnt today. well im not sure they even have the official day at all. but anyway - i am glad to be reminded. most of you know my mom pretty well if you read my blog. she is the one who is always there in the middle of whatever is going on, thinks she knows all the new "news", is always flashing that huge infectious smile, kissing all the children (and most times my friends too), and just being an awesome mom. i am not sure that i can put into words adequately enough how much she means to me or has done for me - so i am not sure i will even attempt to do so. but i am never sure how she did it - being a mom that is. or better yet - being my mom. on more than one occasion people have told me that my mom should be sainted. and yes - why not? catholics have sainted many others for much lesser feats. she raised 2 hellion boys (wellme at least) who gave her nothing much more than grief in those nice teenage years, and she still loves me more than anything. this much i know for sure. it means the world to me - her love. her hugs are the best and her love for everyone better. so thanks mom - im through being mushy. but i cant wait to see you in august. love you much!

heading out in a few minutes to go church. (4:30 start time is really so perfect..) But i have thought lately - thanks to conversations with lindsay really - how much i have been enjoying going. this is no small feat really. so many things over the years have soured my feelings of church, to the point of not even going for about 3 yrs while i lived in st louis. whether it was being made to feel small or not welcome for not dressing a certain way, not agreeing with teachings of some people, church politics, lack of love, or just the out of date, dead church in so many ways. but healing is taking place in my heart. i know it isnt complete yet for i still feel some of this bitterness. but the thing is that i see is a new generation who wants to make needed changes. a generation who isnt ready to settle for their parents religion, a generation who loves and isnt scared to think for themselves and to love others. a generation who care nothing about the american dream and is ready to give up their so called "lives" for gods children. the people who care nothing of the worlds definition of success. i want to be one of these. at my church here i see this. PCF is an amazing mix of temporary and permanent, world citizens, and people who just love jesus. not worried about the way people see them. they come to the house of prayer as they are and worship. they cry out for the nations and love each other. this is helping me to heal. i am so thankful i am a part of it. it is a long process, but it is happening. i just pray that god continues to stir peoples hearts to change. change perceptions and the places of worship to the point that they are actually actively seeking gods face and his will. not being a place to come and make our faces known by wearing a nice suit and leaving the pews with no feelings except those of obligation. one of these days it will happen. it will be a long road - but i believe that it will happen.

burning witches..

2006-05-03T17:05:00.000+02:00

been awhile
thinking about loads
seeing some sun
enjoying
company of friends
not for long

burning witches
demons to face
hoping ill come out
on top

time moves on
so fast
i can never tell
where i am
who has been here

searching for you
god
looking all wrong
the details i miss
wish i wasnt
so blind

feelings like rain
running off
my head to
these toes and
up again

where to go
oh god
holding my hand
dont be
gone

another week...

2006-04-19T18:25:00.000+02:00

almost to the end of yet another week. and a wierd one it has been. monday was the easter holiday here and the other two days have just been full with classes. since bone and bowers were here last week - i didnt work much. it was so nice to see some faces from home. nice to be aroud people who know all about you and you dont have to act any certain way with them. got to visit kutna hora and karljstein castle and just loads of sightseeing around prague. some nice fancy restaurants that i wouldnt have been able to go to otherwise. anyway - it was fun.

easter was probably one of the nicest services that i have attended in awhile. the house was packed out and everything was really nice. i got to serve communion with my favourite person in the world and just spend some time worshipping. after the service we did our usual going to dinner together and having some drinks. such a nice time.

on the bus with lotsa and bone...

picture taking in kutna hora

silly faces from linds..

celebrate...

2006-04-16T13:57:00.000+02:00

sunday is here and easter. passover is going on now. such significant times for us and most of us, including myself, take them for granted. in fact most christians dont have a clue about any of the jewish holidays. not quite sure why this is. to me it seems like the jewish community has sucessfully upheld the important traditions of their faith and most christians have let our major holidays become consumer driven and in turn made our celebrations of faith meaningless. i admit that i have felt this in the past as well. when i think of easter - i have to search myself hard to get past this world view of what it means. bunnies, eggs, chocolate and just crap. why dont we as christians take more stock in where our faith comes from? why dont we participate in passover? why dont we celebrate lent? these are just questions that i ask myself. i want to know where i come from and who came before me. shouldnt we want to experience these things as christians? these are traditions that people have died for. the fathers of my faith whether jewish or catholic. this is where our faith comes from, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, so why do we choose to be ignorant? why do we forget that jesus was a jew? anyway - this easter i am trying to remember where i came from. i want to try and follow the rabbi that changed everything.

as of late....

2006-04-08T14:24:00.000+02:00

spring may have finally arrived to stay here. trees budding, jacket free, and with the nice weather it brings the masses.

walking in starometske namesti this afternoon i realized that i have to share my city with so many other people. guess i cant really complaign. sunshine on my back, wearing short sleeves again, and sandals is so nice. i have been dreaming of this warmth for several months now.

you should see the river flow, full of melted slush from the mountains, almost running over like a bath when flesh jumps in.

my favorite pub in prague closed. sad day - many memories.. farewell.

james brown on the radio here in this cafe - makes me wanna dance..

bone and bowers are too arrive tomorrow. sunday at noon. hopefully i can get out of bed in time to go get them from the airport. fun days ahead.

krakow...a little late.

2006-04-03T11:04:00.000+02:00

it is a bit late (over a week) since we have been back from krakow -but i figured nonetheless i would post a few pictures. we had a really goood time overall with only some minor snares on the trip home. kinda forgot about daylight savings starting that saturday night and missed our train backto prague - so we got back at about 8ish on Monday morning. krakow is really a nice town. smaller than prague, but more real feeling. like all the streets werent pristine, and it just seems realy lived in. not a bad thing at all. the jewish quarter was realy nice as well as the old town and wawel castle (pronounced vavel - thanks to ula's correction..). we spent our days just basically wandering about and getting lost on backstreets. the food was realy quite nice. many perogis were consumed along with some very nice borscht and lindsay found a pastry shop that she wanted to stop in most every morning (ok - so you who know me know it was me just as much as she, but...) that had so many nice things. so here are the pictures - or a few of them anyway. more later this week - i have just been really not able to get on the internet much lately.

lately...

2006-03-23T12:47:00.000+01:00

lately I have been noticing something that maybe I was just ignoring for a long time. I think I must have been turning a blind eye to it – because now that I have noticed it again I see it happening over and over and over. why do so many Christians feel the need to classify everyone or everything as Christian or non Christian? why in the heck would you ever say that you are having a casual Christian gathering or dinner? why would you ever tell someone that you are travelling to a place with one of your friends who is a non Christian? and my favourite – why would you ever tell someone that they should act like that because they are inside a church? somehow to me, this seems to add a certain stigma to being a non Christian, and that we look down upon these people and think we are better. how can this sound anyway but this way? why does this happen? some of my best friends are Christians and I would never consider saying something like this about them. why is this preface needed? do we want to sound smart in front of other Christians? do we think that it makes you more acceptable in their eyes? do we actually think god loves us any more then these people? what is the deal here? if you think that there is a barrier in place now without a person who happens to not be a Christian hear you say this – wait until they hear it. I would hate to know if I was not a Christian the way I was talked about. maybe we don’t think that it is in a bad way – but im not so sure that a way that makes others feel isolated and weird is such a good thing. I think it is way past time to stop making people feel like they cant come as they are. you don’t have to change to know Christ- he changes you. so why do we put these walls around us that keep the ones out who really need in? why don’t we try to stop classifying everything and start seeing people for who they really are. gods children.

anyway – I am heading to Poland this weekend with Linds. we are leaving tonight and coming back sometime sunday. I think it will be a great weekend. Krakow is supposed to be beautiful and I hope the weather holds up. maybe I will have some pictures to post when we return. and only 2 more weeks until tbone and bowers are gonna be here. I am really excited about that too. well – enjoy your weekend wherever you are. and if you have sunshine – enjoy some for me. I think my skin is turning greenish from not seeing it in so freaking long…

more things that make me smile...

2006-03-18T20:31:00.000+01:00

lazy weekends reading anything
hugs from parents
new cakes of soap
staying up early
nice meals with amazing people
conversation that makes me think
blessings I don’t nearly deserve
amazing parents
thinking about what love is
seeing the blue sky
watching people smile or laugh
harmonica tram man
holding hands
friends visiting
sleeping in the dreary daylight
hugs from anyone
warm tea with honey and milk
music that makes me sing
awaking early to travel
receiving post
children being children
late night movies
cold cold pivo
most any kind of dessert
childhood stories
memories of friends and ignorance
unexpected phone calls
knowing i am loved in spite of everything

missing march madness

2006-03-06T12:34:00.000+01:00

so just came to the stark realization this morning, that i have basically missed every bit of college basketball season for the first time in many many years. this is not something that is really easy to swallow. some of my fondest memories are of taking a 2 hour lunch break watching frantically the first rounds seeing if my picks were worth a damn. quite fun actually. but on a more positive note - i am starting to see more and more signs of spring poking his head through.

the weekend is over and the week is now underway. lately my weekends have been filled to the brim with good times and great company. late nights and amazing conversation. so the weeks are starting to kinda be a time of recovery. so much fun though. and i would not have my weekends any other way. i can always sleep when i am dead and i will enjoy the company that i have found as much as possible. after all you never know how long people will be in your life and when they may go. i just want to suck every drop i can outta things.

doubts...

2006-03-01T20:25:00.000+01:00

kinda starting to have my doubts that it will ever be warm here again. once again i walk out of my front door, only to find a nice blanket of fresh snow on the streets. needless to say i wasnt too happy about this at 615 in the morning going to my furthest class. oh well - life here continues to be good inspite of the cold. still not sure what i will be doing this summer yet - and is seems that there are constantly more factors being thrown in the mix. so frustrating - but i guess it keeps it exciting. so really - that is what has been going on. just teaching and living. visitors are starting to come and the next few months should not lack for excitement. i just hope spring really is on the way somewhere and did not get lost...

your own little world...

2006-02-22T21:26:00.000+01:00

"we all just get in our own little worlds, will. that is just how life goes." this comment from one has really haunted me for a bit. in fact i guess it was about 2 weeks ago since the comment. and there have been subsequent conversations that have spurred on thoughts of this since then. i guess the reason that i have thought so much about it is because i disagree with it so much. i think actually this is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. should i stay in my own little bubble and just watch life go by? Not getting involved with others on a large, impractical, uncomfortable stage at all? should we just do our own things and not really care much about what is going on with my brothers and sisters outside of Sundays? And not only our brothers and sisters close, but those far away and that we may not even know? quite honestly i think this is a big part of what is wrong with the church of today. The inward focus is wrong and the selfishness of our lives is quite the opposite of what Christ taught. As much as I would to think it is all about me, it just isn’t. we as humans, need other humans. To interact with, to learn from, to just be with. True community is what Christ calls us to be. True community where justice prevails, love is taught, and people know and depend on each other. The knowing each other, in my opinion, is key to this whole thing working. Why is it that I know most of my non-christian friends better than my Christian brothers and sisters? Why do I feel more comfortable telling them my hurts, fears, screw-ups and dreams? My theory is that we are brought up in a fashion that makes us want to appear as a Christian to other Christians. Why do we do this? We are righteous only because Christ makes us this way. Not because we are any better than a person who doesn’t believe in Christ. And what does this being a Christian look like? That crazy mask that we put on one day a week as we step into (probably down into) once or maybe twice a week? Well – I can tell you that is doesn’t involve us all looking alike, acting alike, or even having all the same beliefs. Obviously I am not talking about fundamental Christian beliefs. But what I am saying is that we can disagree on politics, current issues, moral conflicts and loads of other things while still being Christians in this life together. We do not all have to have the same points of view on everything. We are created differently and we should embrace that. Why are people who come into our churches who look differently than we do, shunned so much? Why are we so uncomfortable? Why do we want everyone in our churches to think alike? Why do we not like for people to ask why? The house of god is not for holy people. It is for sinners like myself and I can come as I am at any time. We should be getting dirty, exposing our souls on a daily basis to each other and learning from those around us. Get to know your neighbor and love them for what they are. Don’t pull any punches with honesty and love. And by all means don’t think that a church is a building. It is people. jesus doesn’t live in that building that you go to occasionally. Im trying to let myself open up to everyone these days. Tell that what is actually happening with me, and listen to what is happening with them. No matter how ugly and terrible it might be, I am just tired of faking it. So if you ask me how I am from now on – just be ready…

where did february go?

2006-02-18T15:01:00.000+01:00

already another week has passed since i have been so lazy and not posted anything once more. guess it isnt such a big deal because it appears that no one is really paying any attention to what i write on here anyway! that probably isnt such a bad thing though. maybe it is a bit safer when there are less people reading my ramblings.

my parents will be here in like 3 weeks to the day. im getting pretty excited about it because i havent seen them since july. kinda wierd since i know this is the longest i have ever gone without seeing them. i find myself really wanting to talk to them occasionally - or maybe it is more that i need a good ole hug sometimes. i think we just dont do that enough anymore. it will be a really nice time to spend with them. they will get to see my city and meet my friends here. pretty pumped about that. and man - february is flying by so fast. cant believe that it is almost gone.

saw munich thursday night. great movie. yeah - i know it has been out awhile most places - but i got to see it just a little late. several things struck me about this movie. but really the one line that got me was when Robert talks about his righteousness, and how he cant keep this up. "We are supposed to be righteous! I lose that, that's my soul!" wish i had the entire quote - but man it just really hit me. if we lose this one thing that christ gave us - we have nothing.

my internet access is once again back to sporadic times, so this probably wont get updated as much as i would like. but there are several more things i want to post on here - so maybe i will get it done. well - enjoy your weekend and i will enjoy this nice warm spell that we are having here. i have this strange feeling it isnt going to last very long, although i sure wish it would. kinda nice not having to wear 4 layers all the time. well - more soon. just gotta write some more. and if there is anyone still reading this - comments would be nice...

almost to the weekend

2006-02-09T15:52:00.001+01:00

once again find myself living for the weekends - not even knowing what i will do when they come. i just know not having anywhere to be is such a nice feeling. so anyway - usually monday slaps me in the face pretty hard. not to say this week wasnt good. it was actually. really had some good times and had some great conversations with some really cool people.

stayed in the pub maybe a bit too late last night talking about family, expectations, fashion, and church. not such a bad combination after all. a good time was had by all i think - but it wasnt so easy to get up this morning. id do it again though - anytime.

been thinking loads lately about prayer and its place. what we should be doing with this. what has been thought in the past and how we can change the perceptions. This is one of the articles that has stretched my imagination. We have to realize that there are so many things we can be doing - but we just dont open our eyes and minds enough...

while you are at it - check out what bono had to say recently to the american government at the the national prayer breakfast. and look really closely at what he says about justice. it is a long article - but take a minute and see what he is talking about. i hope it makes you think as much as it did me...

confessions

2006-02-07T01:05:00.000+01:00

confessions of heart
hear please this cry
ragged and alone
laying here tonight

im trying so hard
to show you may scars
blood from these wounds
scary yet far

this life so unreal
hide though i must
struggles inside
wondering why

touch me oh god
give me your strength
wrap now your arms
strangle my pride

under construction...

2006-02-06T00:50:00.000+01:00

ok - just trying to get this thing looking better. thanks to dave - he is showing me a bit about html and editing this thing. hopefully in the next few days it will be looking a bit better...

monday night late...

2006-01-31T19:58:00.000+01:00

Monday night late and I just finished watching Seabiscuit. (DVD selection is starting to wear thin…) Once again – having a hard time sleeping at night. Seems like I sleep better during the day for some reason. My sleep habits are so messed up right about now. My classes are so spread out that I wake up most mornings at 6:30 teach at 7 or half 7 and then finish teaching about 9ish. Then sometimes I have a class at maybe 1, maybe 3 or maybe not until 5. Anyway – there is usually time for a nap. Plus with it being so dang cold here (most mornings lately –15 Celsius or at the least –10), I just don’t really feel like getting out much. And it stays a bit dark here in the winter but when the sun is shining that allows it to be colder – so not sure which I prefer. Im just ready for the spring and the flowers to start blooming again. So yeah – more excuses for being lazy. Anyway- just thought I would make a normal entry on here since lately I guess things may have been more formal stuff. Not sure why I feel the need to bark about stuff on here. Im quite sure that most of whomever is reading this doesn’t really care about what I have been pondering that moment. So – just wanted to put some normal stuff on here – whatever normal is…

Seems like the weeks just fly by here. They keep somehow turning themselves into months. Amazing how they keep racking themselves up. I am really enjoying the relationships that I am forming here though, with students and friends alike. I have become friends with my students and they help in ways that you would never imagine. Most of my students are older ladies for the most part, and they really are so nice. They notice when I act like I am getting sick and offer to help, and it is nice. That along with other motherly stuff. My other students just give me advice about the Czech Republic and what I should do, should not do or I am here to answer all their questions about America. Yeah – I know. Scary. And friendwise – I really am not lacking at all. In fact I find it hard most nights to stretch in all the directions that I wish i could. But it has been really nice trying my best to form new relationships, as I haven’t really been the best at this in the past. Being in a place where noone has a clue who you are, where you came from or most of the time even where that place is, is in fact really kind of nice. Im not running from anything – but this way I can just live my life and see whatever kind of trouble that god throws in my way. Trying to really sit back and enjoy this ride of life that I was allowed to have a turn at. Im just gonna take it for what it is worth and breath in some deep breaths. Not get in a hurry, get too busy or any of that. Ive decided to just live and enjoy it and not worry about what everyone else thinks I should be doing. Kinda a weird conclusion – but I feel it is a good one for me – not like I have ever really worried about what most think I should be doing anyway. Well – gonna try to sleep now. Gotta get up in about 4 hours. Maybe I will post later all the other late night ramblings that I have on here and not posted. Just not sure if anyone would read them….

Tuesday morning – just had a quick thought that made me laugh. I saw a girl this morning with gold cowboy boots on. It really tripped me out and made me laugh – because in my opinion gold is very odd anyway. Some things that people choose to use gold on, I just cant understand. This was a perfect example – but I have a better one. At the Frauenkirche, one really old church in old town Dresden, Tabea and I went to a service in. Tabea had never been, and I thought it would be cool too, so we went and checked it out. It is newly redone and everything is brand new. Anyway – The statues had gold hair and beards. Kinda impressive – but to me it just didn’t seem real. It was however the source of some really funny stories… So there was this gold chalice that they took communion from. Bro – I am talking about this huge lil’ john or snoopish chalice. Im surprised that it didn’t have PIMP written in diamonds on this thing. Well, we chose not to take communion because of the huge lines (you had to have a ticket just to get in this place..)– but after I saw this monster I really wanted to - just to drink out of that huge joker. I was laughing and I think we got kinda frowned at – but you should have seen these little old ladies drinking out of this thing. It was almost as big as they were. And I remembered all of this just from seeing that nice lady wearing gold cowboy boots this morning. Oh yeah – to make it even better – she had camo pants on…

unchain...

2006-01-25T17:33:00.000+01:00

unchain my heart oh god
and allow me to love

turn mine eyes from the grave
to your beauty above

know the thoughts of my mind
and temper them up

let my feelings inside
be only of grace

the deeds of my ways
be not mine but of you

with these deeply drawn breaths
bring me closer to thee

these dreams swimming safe
still seeking your face

see these desires i hold close
prepare a clear path

keep me safe in your arms
all these perilous days

random pics

2006-01-20T15:34:00.000+01:00

here are some random pics i just wanted to post. budapest, prague and dresden...

heading out on the town...

sara, sherry and i

budapest

martin luther the king

2006-01-18T22:23:00.000+01:00

so i almost forgot - and it is a few days late. but i almost missed dr. kings birthday. anyway - i must admit that he is one of my heros that i really admire. i like to think that during his day i would have marched with him and just really stood up for what he said and did. i hope to one day have my life shine just a bit as bright as his did. big shadows to walk in. i wanted to include a bit of his most famous speech for you to read - and before you totally discount it and skip over it all the way - just take a minute to read this. it will make you think and hopefully make you dream. of how much further we have to go and how far we may have come. but just take a minute - see what this says to your heart and see if you can listen...

"I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

"Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

"I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

"This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

"When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

my little messy theory...

2006-01-12T12:25:00.000+01:00

my thoughts these days seem to keep peeling away layers of something that i am not sure what it is. something that is deeply part of who i am. something that needs to drink in the fresh air. something that stinks and is nasty from being locked up inside too long without a bath. peeling from the inside out. pulling something into the open that i am not sure i am ready for people to see. but god knows it needs to be seen. cant play games anymore about who i can pretend i am. so far from perfect - but the funny thing is that i am made perfect. perfect through my father. jesus. see - it is the broken me. the part of me that keeps asking to be broken and is smashed to hell as a result. so then the hard part comes. can i deal? can i really go on with my life and learning what he wants to teach me? can i function? can i keep evolving into what i am supposed to be? honestly i havent a clue. i am at a loss for words. i get opportunities to grow - and i screw up. i fall on my ass. but then after i sit awake all night -i realize that this is his way of molding me. put me in the fire- make me bendable and then he starts the bending. or beating. i think it probably takes a beating with me. my head is really hard - just ask my family. so anyway - i just want to keep getting shaped by his fire. learning. i guess i am asking to get burned - but i cant say that it is all bad. after all scars are pretty cool souveniers.

another thing that i have realized lately is about life and how it directly correlates to my relationships with others. see - life isnt about a series of events, a series of places, or even a series of different series’. it is a series of relationships. think about this - look back on your life and think about the different times in your life. think to high school. bet you dont really remember what all the classrooms looked like - but you can remember all the times that you were an idiot with your best friends riding around after graduation in your boxers and graduation cap - (wait oh crap- nevermind that was me...) anyway - you will remember the face of that teacher or the times you got dissed on by your ‘dreamgirl’ or the people who you really invested time in. this is how we mark time in our lives. the timeline consists of relationships. places we live and go become about the relationships we had. experiences become about the people who were there with us at the time. this is because this, i believe, is how we learn. it leads to what we take with us. and that in turn leads to how we live our lives. a series of small steps that we may not know we take - but nonetheless we do. this is how god works i think. he doesnt ask us to figure it all out at once. he just lets us live and screw up - then he picks us up, dusts us off and says alright junior, (i like that junior part..) go try it again. it is ok to mess up. it is ok to mess up lots. life is a mess. our relationships may end up in huge messes - i know some of mine have - but this is how we learn. and we may not think that we learn and take with us lessons from this - but we know we really do. i look back and cant tell you whole lots about certain places or events, but man i can tell you how i talked till 6 in the morning with jenny in chicago, or how much fun i had with kirby and pj in the lou, or how my m-town boys used to kick it growing up in high school, camping out in the back of pickups. these things i take with me. they arent going anywhere. although i am 7 time zones away - they are still with me. god is relational. i am challenging myself to invest time in more relationships. new and old. hard ones. no more making excuses like no time. after all we are only as busy as we want to be. and relationships take time. i see gods face in relationships. his face in people. jesus valued time with friends and people just as much if not more than anything. his whole story is a story of relationships with people. friends. this stuff is important. this is why humans are so beautiful to me- i can see gods face in them. this is why people have to be beautiful to us. we are all his children. i just sometimes need his help to see it...

information overload

2006-01-04T18:21:00.000+01:00

wow. im not really sure what to do at this exact moment. as some of you know - i came into the ownership of a sweet new ibook. and now i am sitting here at a cafe with it not knowing what all to look at. kinda crazy. this place you buy one coffee for 25 koruna and you can sit for hours. so nice. so i promise more emails to all of you that i have been neglecting. promise!

the new year was nice. spent it with friends and watched the fireworks over the city. man - it was quite crazy. like a 360 degree panarama of nothing but fireworks. so nice. had some champagne and just hung out. at one point there was some tear gas involved - but it didnt last long. guess some cool guy thought that it would be a good idea. dont worry - it wasnt the friendly policie. we were not misbehaving that bad...

school is back in full swing and i am just trying to adjust. also looking around to see what the next year will bring. right now - i have no idea. but this much i know. i am going to london within the month, spain and portugal in april hopefully, and i am crossing my fingers to try to get to finland near the end of the summer. maybe i wil get home to the states in the summer too. but that will just depend on several things. but if i have to use my money for traveling - i think i will spend it going places i havent been.

think i will have my first official visitor this weekend. chris owen is coming over for a bit. im so excited to see a face from home and one of my hommies. it will be nice. but right now - i plan on frying my brain a bit more - burning up the internet. oh yeah - happy new year....

dresden

2005-12-27T16:08:00.000+01:00

Christmas come and gone. Germany was wonderful. Arrived friday to dresden to a smiling tabea – and I knew that we would have a good time. wandered around the city most of the afternoon having coffee, talking to strangers and just catching up. then we got to her house that night for dinner with her mom and dad. such nice folks – I had a great time trying to talk the bit of german that I knew and just trying to communicate. languages. so many times I feel so helpless with this language thing. ignorant in a way. but we smile, make hand gestures and get our points across. of course tabea played translator the whole weekend and Im sure she was tired of it. but she was great. her family treated me as one of their own and it was so nice to be with a family. I cant believe how good they treated me. my german family. late nights discussing everything from god to culture and everything in between. so nice. I miss being around them actually. we wandered around the woods by her house, walked the dog, and drank loads of tea. but it was so nice. probably a christmas that I wont soon forget - if ever. and I hope to see them again one day. I have so much fun hanging out with tabea and I always seem to learn so much from her. I think that is what we are here for. to learn from each other and enjoy the presence of our brothers and sisters. to live together. yes – I missed my family – but hopefully soon I will see them. until then – I am starting to realize that we have real family all over the place. . im gonna enjoy it. hope you had a merry christmas and that you remembered the reasons we are here.

changes

2005-12-20T19:36:00.000+01:00

been pondering a few things lately. mostly about change and how it affects peoples lives and in turn affects others lives. you know. the ole trickle down effect. 2 seperate issues really. first - had a conversation recently with a friend about how his mom told him that she would be outright pissed off if he ever dated a black girl. and that she would never approve. this wasnt the issue to me. the issue to me what that he justifed it and thought it was ok - because of the way his mom justified it. he said that she was just raised this way. his words go something like this. she is an intellegent, educated, and genuinly good person. so she cant help how she was raised. this is what her reason was for feeling like this. and he was in total agreeance that she couldnt be held accountable for this. how much more ignorant can we be - to agree with a statement like this? dont get me wrong - im probably gonna stand up for my mom as much as i can too - but there has to be a line somewhere. if this attitude prevails - then we perpetuate this cycle until eternity. and we wonder why the south gets the reputation that it does. or for that matter - in the broader scope - just people. why are we called racists? because we never seem to learn from our mistakes. how can we honestly back a statement like this? i just was raised like this. i cant help it. what the hell? such ignorance infused with so called education is just another recipe for us to continually keep taking giant leaps backwards. if martin luther king had just lived how he was raised - would he have done anything? would rosa parks relatives still be on that back seat? would i be able to go to school and have friends of different colour? sometimes you have to take a stand against some things - even if they are unpleasantly close to you and you love the person making the statements....

secondly - the church. should the church stay the same throughout the ages? should nothing change? why is it hard for people to step out of the way that they were raised into a different way of worship? doesnt god call us to continually work out our salvation? should we not look for god in other venues than what we are used to? im not saying either way is better. tradional, contemporary or somewhere in between. but i do get confused by people who refuse to even acknowledge that god can be in either place. and in turn shun one way or another. see - since the creation of the church - it has been changing. this is evidenced by my jewish and catholic roots. but the point is that it changed. it didnt stay the same. why should we stop now? why should we be scared of coming to a place that we are challenged. just because we are used to sitting quietly in a pew and never being asked to do anything unless you are a deacon or something - does that make it the right way? are you growing? growing involves change. this much is inevitable. why do we run? if we are learing and growing as christians, we change. so why do we resist so much? just a question. if your faith involves sitting in a pew on sundays and praying over your meals - then i dont see much faith at all. sometimes change hurts and isnt comfortable. in fact most times it isnt - but does that make it bad? live with your heart and let christ guide your steps- not by our feeble minds. you will go the right way.

btw - got a christmas card from finland today! it rocks so much. laura you are the best. it was the first thing i have ever recieved from finland. i smiled all afternoon - just from the card. thanks girl! oh yeah - and a student of mine made me a whole horde of czech christmas cookies. yes! finally. some christmas sweets!

karlstejn

2005-12-18T11:58:00.000+01:00

friday night got invited to a party in karlstejn castle. castle. you read it correctly. seems like a czech girl that a buddy has been dating - her dad is the caretaker of the castle. they live there. so they invited a few of us and we had a party and got to stay in the castle. it may have been one of the coolest things i have gotten to do since i have been here. we got to go all around the place and do pretty much as we liked. the places that usually arent open to the public and all! the weekend weather was perfect - it snowed loads and made the castle look that much more amazing. it is like something you see out of a fairly tale. exactly - and the town surrounding the castle is so nice and picturesque. so with a nice coat of snow and the castle - it realy looks like something out of a movie. we had a great time having snowball fights from the castle walls and running around generally like idiots. i cant lie - there were several times that i imagined myself being a knight - only using snowballs instead of other weaponry! i took loads of pictures - which once again hopefully will ba able to go up after christmas sometime. not to make anyone jealous or anything...

questions

2005-12-15T12:58:00.000+01:00

lots going on here. saying goodbye to 2 friends this week. headed back out to the states. i havent been to a much more transient place than here. seems so many people come here for a long vacation. really it is kinda frustrating for me. how do you invest time in people knowing they will just leave you? howdo you open up? seems like it cant be any more difficult. i take a long time to really get to know someone anyway - or at least let them see the real me. or maybe im not sure i let anyone see the real me. sometimes i think i can hide it from god. but then i realize how ignorant this is and struggle to show myslef whom i am. so wierd. im trying to learn how to not let this fear of uncertainty stop me before i start. that is the problem - i trip on my own laces out of the box.

10 days till christmas? so crazy. well - actually nine here. they celebrate on the 24th in some countries here! kinda cool. in germany we will celebrate on the 24th. im super excited. pray for tabea's family - that i wont drive them mad! now if only it would snow really god one time so i can get some nice pictures...

wrestling lately about several things. what is the church? what should it be to me? why should i continue to be so scared of it all? john asked me that other day - what can the church do to make people like yourself not have these fears? and i dont know the answer. just want to be real. just want to not step into a subculture on sundays. not pretend to be people we arent the one day a week we come together for worship. stop pretending and having pretenses. i think this is what christ wanted. not a group that plays an ugly version of dress-up once or twice a week. lets be real with each other and love each other for who we are. lets talk and hear each others hearts and fears. lets pray. pray for real things. lets cry and cry for others who are hurting. break our hearts god. let us love. all the terms are out there. post-modern, blah blah being relevant blahblahblah.... i dont care about any of it. in fact it scares me. i just want things to be real. not be about what you are wearing or not wearing. not about praying a certain way. not about a man who is leading a church, and what he thinks. only about god. only about grace and love. not about a set of rules being thrown at me from a man making more money than he can spend. a church who loves missions. a church who just loves. a community. a family. is this too much to ask?

where to start...

2005-12-06T20:25:00.000+01:00

yeah - not sure where to start. i have many random things to say tonight. this may get long and ugly...

first i guess congratulations are an order to steven (lotsa) bowers and kim bunyard! somehow along the course of the weekend maybe - they got engaged. never thought this would happen in my life - but now it has. im happy for my boy. miss you bro - and loads of luck to ya...

the weekend. wow. what can i say. it was amazing for the most part. and really sad at the same time. anyway - to sum up. friday - the usual. hanging with the boys at herolds and leaving early so that i can get up decently early to go to kutna hora. so saturday we set off. kutna hora is a small town about 40km outside of prague. at one point in time it was a super important city with as many people as london in the 14th century. we saw a few old churches and the town. there is one ossuary there made with bones from over 40k people. really crazy and kinda spooky. but cool at the same time. so check out the pics - click on the link. and there is an amazingly beautiful old cathedral there. we had some snow ball fights, walked around and just had a really good day. it was chewy and myself along with chris, sylvie, georgie and loren.

so saturday night - got invited to a party at a few of my firends house. loren and i were only about 3 hours late - so i figured that we didnt do so bad. anyway - it was such a blessing - because i met 3 british girls who were just an amazing encouragement to me. they were just visitng a friend and we had a great time. so amazing the conversation that god allowed me to have with them and that you can connect with people you dont even really know - because you are on the same page with god. i know i will see them again soon.

sunday church was maybe the best that i have attended since i have been here. it meant a whole lot to me. this is something that i havent really been able to say in a long long time. we did communion in 5 small groups with about 10 in each. we served each other and before we drank the wine - we all just shared some things in our life - then prayed. just really amazing. meant so much. plus the british girls were in our group as well as my best friend loren. (more about her shortly...) the kicker of the night was we had a catholic priest to tell us about advent. only he really just touched on that and totally blew my mind. he said things that i thought only i thought. i was smiling so big - and loren and the brits kept turning around looking at me to see my face because i had had this same conversation with them the night before and loren has heard it all from me about 100 times. guess it made me feel so good to hear that i am not the only one who thinks this stuff - and a catholic priest at that! so freaking crazy. anyway - more later - because him and i are having coffee at his huge church by the castle this week. im am stoked for sure.

loren. what can i say. i had to watch a friend leave prague this weekend. loren is one of the most amazing girls that i have ever met. we instantly became best friends and got to hang out quite a lot. she is now is portugal working with young life as a missionary there. the kicker is that she hasnt even started college yet. she took a year off after high school to do this. i shudder to think what i would have been like trying to do that right out of high school. maturity beyond her years - that much is certain. i am so glad to have met her. i know i will see her again - but it was hard to let her go. she just left yesterday - but the day was pretty tough for me knowing she left. she was the first girl that i really connected with here. i love having friends who are girls - and she is awesome. anyway - pray for her as she goes and does what god wants her to do.

so enough for now. im exhausted - plus this internet at this dang cafe isnt so cheap....

to mr. colson and mr. wildmon...

2005-11-30T17:19:00.000+01:00

tomorrow i have tickets to attend the first showing of the newest harry potter flick. i along with many other muggles here in the czech republic and im sure the world, think that your lack of things to do besides criticise a great childrens book series, is as one famous boxer put it: ludicris. could you please find something else to do besides constantly painting christians with the wrong color. you could spend the millions that it takes to run your great informative services on truly worthwhile endeavors. like maybe feeding children in africa, helping fund aids research, or just by giving more to your community that you live in. thanks again - but im quite sure we dont need your organisations to represent us.

trying to speak

2005-11-29T20:31:00.000+01:00

almost out of tuesday
running into the weekends

smiling today
frozen pee on the sidewalks
babies bundled up so much like zombies rolling
man on the tram playing the harmonica
looking for an audience
sara watkins singing to me
thinking about christmas
jesus and his smile
cant help it

wondering how long i will be here
thinking maybe a long time
always asked when i will be back in
wish i knew

december almost
new year already
life is good

thinking so much
people i miss
hard to not hear
hard to not speak
my tongue feels tired
talking to myself

thanksgiving...

2005-11-23T20:42:00.000+01:00

just wanted to tell all my american friends happy thanksgiving. enjoy the food and family. and eat a little (or lot) for me. t-bone this means you... it looks like i will just be having a normal workday tomorrow but i will still be thinking of all you guys back home. wish i could be there with you all. maybe another year. while you are there in the nice mississippi warmth - i will be here in the snow chillin. really chillin. once again - happy thanksgiving... miss you loads!

snow?

2005-11-19T17:32:00.000+01:00

so yep. it happened. last night at about 3. was sitting talking to dave and looked out the window. snow. first just a bit - then it started coming pretty hard. i think it snowed for a few hours. walking to the tram i got a good little coat on me. seems to stick to wool pretty good. i cant say i was super excited - but after walking in it a bit - and looking up at the huge flakes falling - i realized it wasnt so bad. after all the next day was a saturday and i didnt have to get up and do anything in it. the town looked nice too. the first snow of the winter. im glad i got to see it. kinda brightened things up a bit. lately the weather has been a little dreary with it getting dark at 5 and all. so i think winter is here.

november 18?

2005-11-18T15:09:00.000+01:00

friday again. i have actually had the last few days off and have been relaxing. yeah - i know. prolly dont really need it - but it is pretty nice. no more days off until christmas now. which is only about a month away. it is getting cold here. i think last night it was -1 Celsius. supposedly it will snow tomorrow. snow? come on. could we have waited a bit longer for this? oh well... the days are sneaking by.

said goodbye to a friend this week. matt left to go home. back to seattle. not that i dont think i will ever see him again - but it is kinda sad. he will be missed for sure. had a good time getting to know him. it is kinda funny how often in life we have to do this. well - maybe not funny. im not sure it ever quite feels right. or that i will ever get used to doing this. but it wont be the last. when i leave this place - i wonder what it will be like. what will i miss - or who will remember me when i leave? i guess the latter is the better question. never know. but hopefully someone will. that is something i probably will never know.

ok - off to find my weekend. gonna get lined up first - then gonna get outta the house. been reading a lot lately and it has been good. but i think my skin needs to have some sun on it. may warm my soul some.

6 in the morning is pretty late to stay out...but dang it is fun.

2005-11-13T22:26:00.000+01:00

the weekend is already over. cant believe it. seems like 5 minutes ago i was finishing my class on friday, ecstatic that it was the weekend. now it is sunday night at like 11. back to work. well sort of. cant say i work too hard here. but nonetheless i am not looking forward to the work week. guess i cant stay out until 6 in the morning every night. yep - 6. i know what you are thinking. will - you didnt stay out past midnight back home. guess i am kinda turning into a night owl of sorts. maybe. i still love my sleep though. just hate wasting my days. i wake up ready to go most mornings and dont want to go home. i am being pulled in so many directions. last night i was out with a different set of friends or a person each night of the week. it has been so much fun. people from everywhere. old friendships getting stronger and new ones being started. forgot how much fun life could be. how is that? are we really abel to forget that life is amazing? that these short short years we have are not a read through? once they are gone - they are gone. i am having to get used to the fact that my life is flying. but the best part is that right now i think i am really where i am supposed to be. doing what god has put in front of me. who knows what that may be tomorrow - or even next month. but i am ready. there is still so much to see. and i dont want to miss it. dont get me wrong. i miss all my friends that i dont see in the states. miss them immensely. as well as my family. but man - this is good stuff. really good. guess i will just start another week and see what kind of trouble i can get into. im sure i can find some. should be anohter short week this week because on thursday is a national holiday. so i will maybe hitch a train north somewhere. go see some more of this country. who knows - i will keep you up. as dr. dre would say - until the next episode....

how it flies...

2005-11-11T10:28:00.000+01:00

friday morning and classes for the week are over with. finally again – the weekend. well not that my weeks are too hard these days – but it is still a great feeling to be able to do whatever your heart desires in the span of a day.

weather is starting to really get colder and I am having to get used to this. not easy for a mississippi boy. in fact january kinda frightens me.

november already. been here over 3 months. cant say that I have ever seen time fly by so fast in my life. but things are going amazingly well. most mornings I have class at 7:30 and I find myself on the outskirts of prague among panelaks (high-rise communist era housing) in some not so pretty settings. but life is good. i still am in awe of answered prayers that happen daily and am amazed at the several times a day that I think I can hear his voice or see his face in things or people.

christmas will be here soon. the decorations already are. no thanksgiving here to act as a buffer for all the wal-mart decorations. I wont be making it to the states for the first time ever in my life. but I think it may be fun. prague is supposed to really be beautiful under a coat of snow and decked out in its finest garb. I shall see. but I think I will make a journey north to spend a few days in dresden with a really good friend for the actual holiday.

im excited.

days fly by here and I go to bed at night thinking where have the days and weeks and months gone. but I am where I am supposed to be. god has made that clear. im not sure life as I once knew it will ever be the same.

the vision

2005-11-01T15:00:00.000+01:00

The following extract is from Pete Greigs book red moon rising. amazingly inspiring. if you havent read it - i really suggest it strongly. this vision/poem is amazing. i meant to post this long ago - but am just getting around to it. read it. really read it. look at the words and see what they mean to you. yes - it is coming to pass. soon... now...

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.They wouldn't even notice.They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.A million times a day its soldiers
choose to loosethat they might one day winthe great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the undergroundThe whisper of history in the makingFoundations shakingRevolutionaries dreaming once againMystery is scheming in whispersConspiracy is breathing…This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?Can hormones hold them back?Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying manwith groans beyond talking,with warrior cries, sulphuric tears andwith great barrow loads of laughter!Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials.

The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.Would they surrender their image or their popularity?They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.Don't you hear them coming?Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.

It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

holiday weekends rock...

2005-10-30T19:17:00.000+01:00

friday was a national holiday. better known as czechoslovakian statehood day - so i decided to celebrate with a trip. got chewy and matt together and we caught a train to cesky krumlove. officially my new favorite place in the czech republic. beautiful. this place looks like it is right out of a fairy tail. we had a blast. meeting new people, hanging out with old friends and just being in a very cool place. met some new friends from all over. finland, france, germany and some more from prague. saw castles and churches and even some bears in a pit under a moat. so we just had a great time. here are pics...

riding the train is so relaxing. i love rolling through the countryside at like 50km/h. so great to see everything and not have to drive. so i spent a lot of time thinking.

my head has been going crazy lately. i have been reading through the bible trying to get a better glimpse into the heart of my savior. trying to see what i can see. trying to just grasp whatever there is to grasp. lately there have been loads of discussions with friends. new friends whom i have been praying to meet and 'old' friends whom i am talking to about what i believe. such times can be trying, but they bring about new realities, new thoughts, new feelings and maybe new skins. new layers that i am not sure about - that i know are there and feel really wierd. but ones i know i need to have. when we allow ourselves to expose these layers - it is in these times that god can come in and fill the gaps that we didnt know we had. and the evolution continues. but it is so hard to allow this to happen. it hurts like hell and exposes stuff we might not want exposed. but isnt that how we grow? isnt that how we learn?

i have so many questions. what is in store for this amazing country? there are amazing stories about faith here in this rich history - and yet only about 19% of the people believe in any kind of god. what roads should i go down. what bridges should i cross? investing in people and a nation that isnt mine is not easy for me. but this is what i am supposed to be doing. and i have come to see that waiting on god isnt a passive thing. it is actively seeking his will. actively pursueing his people and therefore his heart.

this adventure is taking me so many places and never knowing where i will be. but if you are doing what god has in store for your life - will you ever know? if i am to be his hands and feet - will i ever know? i doubt it - but i like it.

falling all over again...

2005-10-24T16:27:00.000+02:00

over the years i have had so many opinions about the church. thoughts of love gradualy eroded into bitterness, discomfort, rejection and wondering what it is even for. so for the last few years i have struggled with these things and tried to grasp what they all mean. the process has been slow and tiresome and so many times i have wanted to give up - only to see glimpses of what the bride of christ can be and have hope somewhat restored. church yesterday was beautiful. maybe it is the taking of communion with new friends. maybe it is seeing the body so harmonius and loving and full of life. maybe it is getting a glimpse of christs love for us just as we are. maybe it is seeing hope for a nation that is so openly atheist. whatever it is - i am still learning. i am still having to try really hard to figure out where the church fits in. how is what i grew up in relevant to anything happening today? maybe it is me trying to see where i fit in with the church. i just know that i have learned a lot about what i believe in the past several years. i have learned to open my bible and form my own thoughts. i have learned that i learn so much more from fellow believers than anything else. i dont have to have a radical sermon, or someone telling me what i should or shouldnt do. i have started to learn how to really worship. starting to learn... i am starting to learn how to fall in love again. with gods church. with gods children. with this much over-looked nation. i hope that when christ comes back for his bride- i will be ready. learning to love hurts. but then again - if the heart of the bride of christ is beating - it will always be one that hurts.

public transportation

2005-10-20T20:50:00.000+02:00

so today riding the metro i made a new friend. well - we never really talked or anything - but it was the cutest little girl. we smiled at each other, she stuck her tongue out at me and i made faces at her - but basically we just smiled at each other. she was probably about 5 or so with the cutest curly hair and big blue eyes. it was so cool. i was listening to coldplay and the song was god put a smile on your face... kind of ironic - but i couldnt stop smiling leaving the station. i doubt i will ever see her again - but it was such a good feeling. we dont even speak the same language - but we spoke none the less. makes me miss being around all my friends kids back home. and also makes me remember why i like kids so much! i hope to never be one of those stupid adults! who knows - maybe one day i will have some of my own. never know - it is a scary thought i must admit - and i am sure most of you who know me will agree - but you can never tell!

happy birthday pops!

2005-10-20T15:12:00.000+02:00

my pops. in 1950 was born in union city, tn this very day. october 20th.

i am pretty sure that i couldnt have asked for a better father. he took me camping, hiking, to baseball games and anything else that i wanted to do. he told me stories before i went to bed at night and he still to this day worries about me - even though i was the kid who made him crap his pants by coming home with earrings, tatoos and the like. i dont think much suprises him anymore. not sure what else i can say about him except that he is amazing. he continues to inspire me to this day. he is constantly evolving as a man and a christian - and i for one and proud to call him my pops. im sure sam is too. he is a guy anyone can look up to and can call on him for most anything. im sure i have given him more than my share of heartaches - but i like to think he has learned some stuff from me too! but i am probably wrong! his heart is huge - and i like to think that i am like him in even the smallest way. i think this is probably what has kept me single to this day. not knowing if i can ever live up to the kind of father, husband and man he is. man - some freaking huge shoes to fill. but it is good.

anyway - thanks dad for being the best father ever. i miss and love you tons. if i could have any wish right now - it would be that i was there with you and we were working in the shop on something together. just hanging out. enjoy your day! happy birthday.

friendships

2005-10-13T20:57:00.000+02:00

i find myself in a position that i havent really been in much before in my life. well not to this extreme anyway. i am in a place that noone really knows me. well at least they dont know me like some people do. like my best friends do. heck - i guess there really isnt anyone on this continent who does. it is a kind of crazy thought. plus to make matters even more strange - it has been so very long since i have really talked to most of my best friends back home. it is just kinda hard to when you are across the world away. you start to depend on different things. i am learning how to really take jesus at his word and lean on him. trusting him. no - i mean really trusting him. it is so easy to read the verses in matthew that say that we should trust him for all our needs but it is so hard to do. i constantly have to remind myself of what jesus promises.

i have been blessed to have met some great friends here. but what is different is that i dont have much - if any christian fellowship. in fact two of my best friends here are atheists. so it is a challenge going about things daily - but i love it. i refuse to get myself stuck in the christian ghetto. not that i dont wish i had more christian family here to bounce things off of and have that support that is much needed - but i just dont buy into the crap that you cant hang out with others who are not christians for fear of getting pulled down. what? getting pulled down? oh yeah - if you could only hear how many times i have heard some 'christian' people say that kind of crap. "hey man - when i became a christian - i stopped doing that kinda stuff - so i dont hang out with people like that anymore." are you freaking kidding me? have you been reading your bible? yeah - that is just what we are supposed to do. stop being friends with people who arent christians just like yourself. oh yeah - and while you are at it - stop going places that they are. yeah - no going to clubs, bars, or anywhere where 'bad' things are going on. people come on. this is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. so yeah - i am loving this part of being somewhere new. meeting people where they are at and loving them. hopefully they see right past my face to the one that matters. they are sons and daughters of christ too. they are in fact made in christ's image. i have to remind myself of this all the time. several times a day.

so yeah - it is hard not having some of the friends here who know me. the friends who know me inside and out. the ones who have been there through everything. those who i can call and i know they will be there in a second for whatever i need. the book of love says that a friend sticks closer than a brother. but i am learning a lot. how to lean more on jesus and how to love more. and this is continuous. i have a long way to go. nowhere near there yet. not sure i ever will be - but jesus is constantly pulling back layers and although it hurts like hell - it is good. the new skin i keep finding is kinda cool.

my little brother

2005-10-12T14:14:00.000+02:00

october 12th. happy b-day little brother! so now you are 26! moving on up just like the jeffersons. cool - i will try and call you later. and oh yeah - congrats on passing your series 7. that is good stuff - now you are officially on your way to becoming a business man - for whatever that is worth. whomever is reading this should call sam and tell his old butt happy birthday!

i must admit that sam is the best brother that anyone could ever ask for. he is my best friend in the world and i miss him a whole freaking lot. we used to talk just about every day - but now it just really isnt possible. well - at least neither one of us can afford it. some would say that sam is the responsible one of the porter boys. guess those people are probably right in a lot of aspects. i look up to him lots - he makes me think about things. we bounce ideaas off one another and we ask for each others opinions about things. well some things.. i have loved over the years growing closer to him and just getting to know him better. not really sure if he is more mature - but maybe his dreams fit better into the boxes that "the norm" puts in front of us. yeah - he is married to a really great girl whom i love and they both have "legit" jobs - so i guess he is more responsible if that is waht you want to call it. while his older brother is running around all over central europe teaching english, traveling and meeting all kinds of new friends. in general just enjoying this huge world that god gave us as a big playground. we are just different. i have known this for a while. i think probably mom and dad have too. not a bad thing at all. if anyone knows sam they know that he is never mean to anyone, has a hard time saying no to anything, and those whom he loves-he really loves. you can't not like having him around. i thank god for having such a great brother to call my own and no one elses. for a long time it was just him and i. went through a lot together and i couldnt have asked for a better running mate. well - except for when his dumb ass would fall in the creek in natchez and get us both in trouble in the process - but for the most part it was all good. so just wanted to share all this with whomever reads this gibberish that i write on here.

i love you bro - and i cant wait to see you sometime soon... you are always in my thoughts and prayers. keep up the love.

learning to laugh

2005-10-11T21:00:00.000+02:00

tuesday. my week is almost halfway over with. but wow - so far it has been really great. the weekend was really good and my monday class got cancelled. the thing is that i get paid for it anyway because the student didnt let the school know in time. sweeeeeeet. yeah - that will make you smile.

but on really smiling. this weekend i hung out with my friend Hedvika on sunday. i dont think that i have smiled and laughed so much since i have been here. and trust me - i have been having a great time. she is from prague and was a great tour guide. but back to the smiling and laughing thing. she has one of those infectious laughs. when she smiles and laughs so does everyone around her. she told me her philosophy about smiling. basically when it comes down to it you have no reason to not smile. so you may as well smile because it makes other people happy to see you smiling. so i thought about this. and ill be damned if she isnt right. why not smile all the time. why not?? laugh at things even if there isnt anyone around. laugh out loud. the perfect example came to me on the metro today. there was an old man sitting across from me who was very cool looking. i could tell there was something about him from the start. first off - he had on this really cool old school suit, with this hat that just tripped me out. it looked like he had been sitting on it and it was flat with some wrinkles in it - but he put it on his head somehow anyway. but check this out - he was just laughing the whole trip to opotov where we both got off. now keep in mind he wasnt laughing about anything i could tell. (ok yes - he could be laughing at me...i can already hear the comments coming...)he was looking out the window - just laughing furiously. so freaking cool. i couldnt stop smiling. his laughing made me smile. it totally works - just smile more and laugh more. you will see. just play the smile game with me. whomever you see - smile at them. see if they smile back. odds are they will. if not - they will at least wonder what you are smiling about. how can that be bad?

missing american sports...

2005-10-05T17:19:00.000+02:00

ok - so it is playoff time. the cards once again won 100 games in a season (as soon as i leave stl..) and i am nowhere that i can feasibly watch games. ok - so i can watch games. i just have to go to the pub at like 1 in the morning and get michael to turn the game on for me - but i guess i can watch it. this just really sucks. the same with college football and any other american sports. there are like 3 places that i know of so far that i can catch games - but there is major competetion with the real football here for tv time. oh yeah - and cricket. for the life of me i cant understand the rules and it gets priority over college football here! give me a break! anyway - thought i would use my little bit of space to moan a bit about the small problems that i am running into here. as you can tell - it is nothing major. but you know - it would be so nice to sit down in a big nice comfy living room with my boys and watch some good ole baseball. the cards kicking tail. oh well - the price of living in europe. guess i will be ok.

just stuff

2005-10-03T21:37:00.000+02:00

so here we are again - almost a week from the last post. or has it been a week exactly. who knows. i can never remember. starting up another week. man they freaking fly by. i cant believe that it is october. october! before long christmas will be here. how crazy is that? speaking of which - i think this will probably be my first christmas without being with my family. but - it is just how it goes sometimes. no big deal - not that i wont miss everyone - but i will manage. there will be plenty of friends here in prague in the same boat as me. we can keep each other company. could be fun. may go to england to see some people there. friends i have made along the way - whom i would love to see. so we shall see. i just cant justify an $800 dollar flight home - when that will feed me for like 3 months. that is like 20000 kc. yeah - most likely will be here.

so i went to cesky raj this weekend. this means bohemian pasadise. it was amazing. ruined castles and huge rock formations were everywhere. stayed in a small town with 5 friends and hiked and just hung out. it is affordable to travel in the country here. it cost me like 4 bucks to go there and back by train. about 4 hours. ill be going back. there are more castles that i didnt get to take in. just seeing ruins from the 13th century amazes me. pictures will come at some point - but most of you know my computer situation. in a word - sucks.

things otherwise are good. i get freaked out occasionally by jesus and how he works. it is actually my expectations that need adjusting. see he is just so big - that i shouldnt expect anything less than miracles from him. guess these ways he works arent crazy after all. they are just the way he does things. i am trying so hard to love people. i have to keep reminding myself when i see a homeless person, a hooker, a dealer, or just someone who doesnt smell so great that they are all created in his image. Genesis 1:27 i have to tell myself this - and how i must love them. is this so hard to do? yes - it is pretty freaking hard. but i am trying. walk around any city where people are not just like you and most likely you will be challenged. so anyway - it is good. slowly i am learning to lose this crap and see how he loves. without fail. this is how he loves everyone. everyone. and he never gives up on any of us - so we shouldnt either. na shledanou.

being broken...

2005-09-26T19:41:00.000+02:00

monday night. im at school in the lab writing this - trying to recall all my feelings and experiences from this last weekend - that i think was probably one of the most awesome, real, heart wrenching, challenging and just amazing weekends that i have ever had. i met some amazing people whom i connected with on a level that doesnt happen often in my life. meeting people who have the same exact heart that you do doesnt happen often. they teach you lots, make you think, help you pray better and more and give you more community than you ever thought possible. they even help to break your heart for other nations and peoples. we inherently need this. some of us may not know it - but we do. this is the kind of community that is spoken of in the acts. ok - so where to start. i will attempt to say some things tonight that i want to say - although i know for certain that i wont be able to recall it all. plus - none of you would finish reading the post.

rewind to wednesday night. i came to the lab to check some emails and blog a bit. i signed on to instant messenger - which most of you know i dont do tooo often anymore- and just started chatting with my friend shannon in the UK. see - i was really looking for hostels to stay in this weekend in dresden. my luck - and having found out so late about this gathering - there was no room at the inn. so shannon tells me that she is going to ask a friend of hers if she knows anyone in dresden that i can stay with. well it turns out that heidi is going to dresden as well and i can stay with her and another guy with a family there. this is 2 days before i leave. amazing. i stay with a family that is so gracious and loving and they let us all crash on their couch. answered prayers. community. amazing god. wow - so just a good start in general overall.

on the train - i am very nervous about the whole weekend. i know no one going - and i dont even know the people i am staying with. so i get off the train and start walking. i find the house no problem - and meet the family and so we go to the conference that night. just almost instantly i started meeting people. people from all over the uk, finland, spain, canada, germany, south africa, mexico, america, macedonia and so many other places. they are people who have basically dedicated their lives to jesus and his work and living in community with each other. real community. not going to church on sundays and wednesdays sitting in pews and soaking things up like sponges that we are not meant to be - but people who are really trying to live like jesus intends for us to live. i met people who had sold everything that they had (a family with 2 young kids - 2&4 i believe) and were traveling around to the ends of the earth doing missions, a guy who came from a family who while he was growing up lived with over 350 people that came through his parents house because they just loved jesus so much - they knew this was what he would have done, a few families who live in areas in their towns that no one else would care to go - because these people are exactly that. people. people created in christ's image and who we should not forget. instead of trying to live the suburbian utopia dream of most people - they choose to be broken every day for christ. to love these people so much that they can honestly see jesus in us. and not worry about the things that one day will be gone anyway.

i learned that from what christ did for us - there are some things that should happen. prayer should be the majority of our life. and from this comes naturally an outpouring of missions and justice. it is a way of life and the way we love other people is the way we love jesus. think about that for a second. the way we love others is the way we love christ. these are his people. just like you and i. made in his image and loved by him more that anything in the world. in fact he has a bias for these people. yep - jesus with a bias. it is true - and i intend to write more later on this. just look through your bible a bit and see all the verses dealing with the widows and poor people. yep - people. gods people. this is real community.

yeah - i had my heart changed this weekend. but it was good - and much needed. got a sense of the reality of the whole thing. and people the world over are much the same when we dont let ignorant things get in our way. so anyway - enough for now. more to come. i know you are sitting on the edge of your seat. my head is swirling. swirling really fast. but things are good. god definitly knows what he is doing.

jedna pivo, prosim...

2005-09-20T20:42:00.000+02:00

tuesday night. man - it is starting to turn a little chilly here. and quick. i think the really warm. comfortable weather is pretty much gone. last night walking home it was 8 degrees Celsius. the tourists are starting to leave here - fine by me. now i think i will give it another month to thin out and i will really start to enjoy the attractions. i hate walking up most of the really big squares for the hoardes of people. it is amazing how many times you can be asked if you want to buy drugs in one walk. i guess i look like a crackhead. no comments from the peanut gallery on that one... i have been teaching for a few hours in the mornings lately and then i am finished for the day. so i usually spend my days drifting around the city just getting lost. it is so nice to do. plus it doesnt hurt that everything here is so interesting. the fun thing is trying to guess what the signs about places say. i know it is some really cool history that i am looking at - i just have no way to know. as you can tell my czech is wonderful. lots of time to think about stuff though. not sure that i am going to be able to make it home for christmas this year. it will be the first time ever- but i guess it will be alright. the tickets are just pretty pricey. so i am not sure when i will see most of you - guess you guys will just have to get off your no leaving mississippi butts and come see me! any company is good company - well wait... that doesnt really include you smitty.. but wait, was i scared that you would actually come anyway? not really. you are still my boy though... if you want to see snow - im sure we will have a white christmas here. well - enough ramblings for now. not sure if i am going to be making it to dresden this weekend for the 24/7 conference. it seems that we all found out too late and there are no rooms at the inn. maybe i will just go anyway and see if i can find a place to stay. ill keep you guys posted. it would be awesome to attend. oh yeah - the title?? one beer, please....

sorry so late...

2005-09-14T20:38:00.000+02:00

hey everyone - sorry for the long gap in my posts. i have started teaching class this week - and things have been relativly busy. but i guess i can make excuses all freaking day long. anyway - here i am on wednesday night. i must say that things are going well. teaching is actually pretty fun - and really not too hard. just until you get asked questions that you dont know - but that hasnt happened yet... you all know that i am not really big on working a "real" 8-5 jobbie - so this is working out nicely. my schedule is pretty varied and i go to different businesses to teach! kinda cool. but alas - i still have to dress decently. one of these days i will find a job where dress codes are NON-EXISTENT! but until then - i will just try and get by...

on other fronts - very cool stuff has been happening. finally i met with sasa. the guy who i had been emailing with before i got here - who just happens to be starting to 24/7 prayer room along with alot of other really cool czech people here. so i went sunday to the inception of it all and it was awesome. so the whole prayer and worship was in czech, right? well i felt like i didnt need to hear the words directly - because i felt likei knew what was goign on. so very cool - and i couldnt help but smile knowing that one day i really would know. one day when the languages would not matter. afterwards i stayed around talking to sasa and he mentioned me starting something like this - just in english. a big prayer session - like a house church - at the prayer room - maybe at some odd hour on sudays. to cater to a different crowd. wow - all at once. so the vision for prague is to have a prayer room for all of the like 15 districts here. full time rooms that anyone can go to and pray at any time. so freaking cool. sasa is translating the bible into czech - because they have not had a translation in over 400 years here. yes - there is a czech bible - but it is like the KJV - no one can understand it much. so there are all kinda of cool things going on.

oh and next weekend - i think i could be going to Dresden, Germany for a 24/7 leadership conference. for some reason sasa thinks i should go and 'represent' "prague" at this. it is a really cool organisation - with an even cooler vision - so i am pretty stoked to even be asked to go. by the way - read red moon rising... i am not sure how i will afford it - but if i am supposed to go - then i will be going. if you dont mind praying for me - it would be much appreciated...

employment - now waiting to be pizzaid.....

2005-09-08T16:28:00.000+02:00

so finally - after many sweat filled afternoons of being observed by teachers and being graded on everything i say... i have a job! yep - i passed. not exactly with flying colours (those of you who know me - can probably see why..) but i passed well enough to get a job. whoo hoo! i am on my way this afternoon to meet with my academic manager and see who they are going to let me teach. hopefully i get some younger folks or even kids because we all know how well i get along with adults... so work starts monday - so that is all i will say about work right now.

oh yeah - budapest... the city was so freaking gorgeous. we spent several days there touring about looking at all the scenery, checking out some castles, some old churches that i got to pray in and just walking around all over the city. i must say that the city was, in my opinion, as beautiful as prague with way more cars. the train ride was really fun - seeing all the countryside and such. 6 guys hanging out and just having a good time. i have tons of pictures that may get posted soon and might not. so anyway - thanks for all you guys prayers and thoughts. they are much appreciated.

last day of class

2005-09-02T13:26:00.000+02:00

friday - the last day of class is finally over. i turned in my portfolio and now i can only wait to see what happens. i guess maybe i get hired here or maybe i dont. but nonetheless i am finished. tomorrow morning we leave to go to budapest for a few days. should have some cool pictures of that. but just wanted to put a few words on here about class being over with! whoo hoo! so i guess teaching will begin in about a week or so.

i havent been able to see much about the storm that just hit down around new orleans and all around - but it really looks like some terrible stuff. there have been some blurbs on the local news here about it - but all i can see are the pictures. cant understand what they are saying. my thoughts and prayers are with all the people who were affected. i hope we can get some serious help down there - and soon.

pictures finally...

2005-08-31T09:19:00.000+02:00

ok everyone - here you go. on the left hand side of the page there are two boxes. click on them to see some of the initial pictures i was able to get up on here. i have more to come - but one step at a time. just didnt want anyone to think that it was an advertisement or anything. hope you like them...

what it might be like..

2005-08-28T20:15:00.000+02:00

so church today - very cool stuff. let me try to draw a picture for you. sitting in the auditorium of a really old church with this really really large painting of Christ and his disciples in the background. In front of that is a really small pulpit that our pastor doesn't ever even use. but scattered throughout this relatively large room are about 40 or so people from all over the world. literally. All over the world. Africa, America, Asia, Europe. Everywhere. The band starts up singing a Czech praise song that i am struggling to sing right. But being moved to tears because I am starting to see this huge picture. that God understands every language. Kind of amazing to think about. so the next song is in English, but the guy leading worship this week doesnt speak English. So a lady singing with him just translates. in my ears i hear several languages being sang at the same time along with the same song. all at the same freaking time. how cool is this? so prayer is taking place this whole time too. going in and out from prayer to praise. and we end up praying for half the service.. then the thing that astounded me the most. the preacher said that we should not be focusing on him. he said that the way we were intended to worship is not to sit there and listen and get spoon fed like a bunch of little babies. that isnt the point of coming to church. the point is to come together as a corporate body of believers and to learn from each other. not the preacher. he said that he wants to spend less time talking and more time doing. he said his goal was to learn from everyone else and to help everyone to grow in their relationships with christ and fellow believers. and for anyone to share whatever they needed to share. he essentially just is giving up his pulpit to the congregation. how many preachers do you know who are willing to do this? to tell about problems and pains, joy and happiness. see - he understands that he is not the rabbi. jesus is. we are not supposed to follow him and be like our preachers or pastors. jesus should be all we focus on. sometimes we focus way too much on the wrong thing and try and emulate the wrong people. why is this? the bible clearly tells us that no man is greater than another. the Jew is no better than the Gentile. do we really understand this? maybe we need to try to understand it. and maybe there should be class in seminary that teaches people in ministy that a church isnt a company therefore there is no CEO. things are changing and they can continue to do so. we just need people to see where jesus wanted to church to be and what he intended for it to be. just look in Acts. you can find it. by the way - i think i saw tonight a little glimpse of how heaven might be...

ramblings...

2005-08-24T16:04:00.000+02:00

so here it is wednesday with 3 more teaching days left. yes i have class the other days - but only 3 more times to teach. going tonight to get my new apartment keys. pretty excited about that. teaching went well tuesday. got some good feedback. tomorrow hopefully will continue to improve. im just excited for another weekend. i am gonna try to find a restaurant that has a normal american breakfast this saturday or sunday morning.

i think the funniest thing that i have seen so far was today in class - British Rob started spitting out NWA lyrics... Yeah - if you have ever hear a brit spittin some of those old school lyrics - you would probably pee your pants about like i did. thought i was gonna have to leave class....

church sunday was really cool. it started at 430 - which was really good for me. i am not a morning person - as most of you well know. it was an english speaking church with probably 30 people. they had a praise band and we just worshipped for a while and heard some tesitmony. then we had communion. it was great. i think the pastor must be american - but i havent really had a chance to talk to him that much yet. after school is finished - i will be getting a lot more involved. not much longer left. this weekend again - i am going to get my flickr account set up so i can put all my pics on the net for you guys to see. so anyway - that is it for now. off to sign a lease and get some dinner with some mates.

midterms

2005-08-22T13:50:00.000+02:00

today we had our midterm reviews with our instructors. interesting process - being evaluated constantly. but i must say that it wasnt as grim as i expected. came through with some passing marks and i guess i will be here at least a bit longer. good news.

today is my moms birthday - if any of you see her - be sure and give her a hug for me. she is an awesomely beautiful woman, and from what co-workers in St. Louis used to tell me - she must be a saint. but if i do say so myself - she raised at least one good kid... just wanted to tell you that i miss and love you moms. thanks for all you have ever done for me. you are my heart. hope you have a womderful day - wish i was there to share it with you.

well i have 2 weeks of school left and then the week and a half or 2 weeks off waiting to hear if we get hired. these should go by pretty quick - i only teach 2 days a week these two - but i have to kick some serious tail to be able to get a job and stay here. if not guess i will just bum around europe until i run out of money.. ok - off to enjoy the afternoon.

a place to live...at last.

2005-08-21T12:40:00.000+02:00

thursday we found an apartment. it is so very cool. we are living in a neighborhood called zizkov. praha 3 to be exact. 8 Blahnikova . It is exactly the kind of place that i thought i would be living in when i moved here. a really old building - about 50 yards from a tram stop. about 5 minutes from the city center. about 15 minutes from the school. so so nice. so so happy about this. it was an answered. prayer. inside are 2 bedrooms with a living room/kitchen and a bathroom with a real shower! 2 real bedrooms with a living room are really hard to find here. plus the building has been redone immaculately. we even have a lift. it is on the 2nd floor (the third in american terms - they count the 1st as the ground floor here). Cobblestone streets - yeah the whole works. i am excited. well - enough about that. so anyone who wants to come stay - we have plenty of room now. open invite...

tomorrow i will have been gone for 3 weeks. that is 3 weeks of a lot of different stuff too. 3 weeks without seeing the folks i love, 3 weeks that have actually gone by pretty quick. i am going to church here in a bit with chewy and a buddy from tennesse. should be cool.

went out with a student that is from slovakia last night - who was trying to teach matthew and another roommate of ours czech all night. fun stuff going out with a local who actually knows what the heck she is talking about when ordering and talking to the staff at places. so it was an intersting night getting an insiders perspective about life here. ok - im off to work on a paper. homework. i forgot how much fun it was...

thursday morning

2005-08-18T09:23:00.000+02:00

so here it is. thursday morning. my afternoon off - well at least after 1:30. then i get to plan another lesson plan for tomorrow! so much fun. but it will be the 2nd week down. only 2 more weeks to go. at least of this school thing. then hopefully i will be working. we have a week off between class and starting work - so i think we are going to run off to budapest for 3 or 4 days. should be really cool. this weekend - i am not sure what we are going to get into. probably try and see more of the city. i have been constantly reading up on what i want to see - there is so much. just dont want to be running around blind - and miss some important historical place. everything has so much history. ok - well enough rambling for this morning. im off to class. more to follow.

prague

2005-08-15T17:55:00.000+02:00

here are just a few pictures to get you guys a good idea. more to come.

my days

2005-08-15T08:26:00.000+02:00

walked to school this morning in the rain to the bus stop. any of you who know me really well - know that the rain is one of my favorite things. right now i am starting to think it might not be anymore when i leave this place. it rains a whole lot. if this is any indicator of the winter - it is going to snow like crazy. now that is one thing i am not going to be looking forward to. but - oh well. im just going to enjoy where i am at. this week i have to student teach monday, wednesday and friday. kinda sucks - but at least the weeks are seeming to go by decently quick. anyway - that is about it for now.

ok heather - this is for you. ive been telling you for awhile now that i would post some of my poetry - so here is one i wrote. hope you like it. have you been reading the book i gave you at all? :)

my days

walking down
to slowly turn
this road leads
these dreams unfold
like the day
lights go down
thoughts consume
making the past
brought to life
stuggles my head
put back now
another time
this my place

first week of classes...

2005-08-12T13:41:00.000+02:00

first week back in school and getting into the swing of things. i have been really busy doing all kinds of school related junk - homework, etc. also i taught class 3 times this week. our class consisted of about 8-10 students who are anywhere from 16-50 in age. but it was really fun. i didnt have a problem teaching for the 45 minutes like i thought i would. but i guess if you ask anyone from the youth group at northcrest - they will probably tell you that i tend to be long winded anyway... so the first full week here has been good. i still dont really fell like i live here since i have not had much time to see a whole lot. but - soon enough the course will be over and i will be working. then i will have time to see some stuff and get involved with some other things. this weekend - i plan on seeing more things too. hopefully this will be better updated. trying to find an apartment so far has been pretty difficult. my knowledge of czech is slowly increasing and i am starting to be able to understand more and more. it is kind of fun - but this language is super hard.

just finished rob bell's book - velvet elvis'. it is really awesome. if you are looking for a good book to read and want to be challenged. check it out. i think i will post more about it when i get more time. right now i am reading the naked christian by craig borlaise. it is starting out kinda cool. gives me some new thoughts.

i have been overwhelmed by how many people are actually keeping in touch with me since i have been here. i get here at about 845 in the mornings and i usually have about 7 emails. granted - my two best friends Heater and Ashlyn are the main ones - but it is awesome. Thanks for the support and encouragement and prayers. I really appreciate it. I try to return all the ones i can. Hopefully I have returned them all. Anyway - pictures will get posted this weekend. I PROMISE!! And now - out to wander around the city.... Friday afternoon off is so very nice.

for the record...

2005-08-08T08:58:00.000+02:00

ok - for the record. we do have a "shower", but it is just one of those hoses that you can hold up and spray your self. no shower curtain, no shower stall. just a tub with a really short hose. supposedly this is how the czech people do things. so just wanted you guys to know.

class is today it is 9 here and starts at 945. im really not too excited about being in this class until like 5. my add is going to kick in for real i think.

getting more and more used to it here. taking the bus, to the metro and so on. the weather has been really rainy lately and getting colder. actually wore a jacket out saturday night. august. starting to kind of understand a little of what people are saying. communication gap - not quite as broad. but anyway - things are still good. will see about that after 7 hours of class today. tonight my plan is to post some pics. we shall see if it goes through...

starting school - again...

2005-08-05T19:22:00.000+02:00

started orientation today at the school. got to meet my classmates and folks who hopefully will be teaching with me. that is if we all pass the couse... there are some neat folks in class. about 5 guys from the south, one from LA, two from england and a couple from maine. today we all got overwhelmed with the class stuff - no playing around is gonna be going on for a bit - but it will be interesting. our flatmates are cool - from what i can tell. but i am still getting used to not haveing a real shower. sucks - but it seems to be the norm here. i just have to keep telling myself that this isnt home and i shouldnt act like it is. gonna try and live like they live. more on school later...

prague. so amazingly beautiful. old, majestic and easy to get around. today i figured out that our flat is really really close to the city centre. probably 15 - 20 minutes max. very cool. the castle and the charles bridge are really sweet to see. hopefully i will walk across it tomorrow. maybe go pray in one of the old churches. i hope to do that especially. i met a guy who knows some people who go to an english speaking church that we are gonna go to on sunday. cool how god works. just dont expect things to happen and they do anyway. out of the blue.

i know my posts have been short lately - but as the time goes by i will hopefully be able to share more stuff. longer entries and so on. until then - cheers! love you all...

praha at last....

2005-08-04T21:53:00.000+02:00

so i am finally here. after a long day of waiting and delays we are here. things are interesting to say the least. first off - no one understands us at all- which is wierd in itself. no way to understand the menu at restaurants or anything. see - we are in the real praha. where the people actually live. even the keyboard is different. stuff is all switched around. but things are well. we have no shower - just a tub. but things are gonna be fun. we are only about a 10 minute walk to a bus stop and 3 stops from a huge shopping area. good stuff. tomorrow is orientation and a tour - then we have 2 days off. will write more tomorrow. thanks for all the emails that all of you have sent. it means the world.

wedneday morning in london

2005-08-03T10:17:00.000+02:00

wednesday morning and everything here is well. slept so good last night. not sure how long - but i slept a lot. we actually roomed with two guys from spain last night. they seemed really cool and were really friendly. will probably hang out with them more tonight. yesterday we saw tower bridge, buckingham palace, and a few other things. oh yeah - london tower. today i think we are gonna check out the tait - modern art museum - and houses of parliment. this is where big ben is too. after that - no clue. just bumming around. there is an internet cafe just about 200 yards from our hostel. so i have been able to come in here a good bit. thanks for all the emails yesterday - it was awesome to hear from so many folks at once. well - more updates later and maybe i can put some pics up. just have to see how it goes. that might have to wait until prague. time to go see some stuff - more later!

london - in the company of the queen...

2005-08-02T19:58:00.000+02:00

ok - yes we made it. and yes we have been riding the heck outta the tube. sorry mom - no other way to go about it. anyway - we got into lond this morning at about 9 in the morning. london time. it is now 7 and still havent slept since i was in meridian. oh well - we have had fun so far. just has been hectic and tiring. but london is beatiful and i love it. the people are friendly and their spirits seem to be never dampened by all the crap that has happened as of late. well - pics soon enough. right now it is off to feed my gut. miss you guys - and i will keep you posted. thanks for your prayers.... love you all...

rolling out...

2005-08-01T14:39:00.000+02:00

hello my people. it is about 7:30 in the AM on monday morning and i am about to make the last attempt at getting my stuff ready to go. i think i am about 99% ready. not bad for me. i think i actually got a little bit of sleep last night - and i dont feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat this morning... good stuff. yesterday was so busy with trying to pack and everyone coming by to see me, but i am glad that everyone who came did. it was a great feeling. plus last wednesday when the youth at church threw me a suprise party. so cool. if any of you guys are reading this - you know i love you and miss you so much already! anyway - i am gonna try and get going - just wanted to say bye. this will be my last post from the states for a while. when i arrive - it should be about 3 or 4 in the morning your time. 9 or 10 in the morning in london. hopefully i can post something so you all will know i got there safely. thanks for your prayers everyone - i love you and miss you.

what is it all about?

2005-07-30T07:05:00.000+02:00

often i find myself wondering about this whole part of life that revolves around finding someone. like is it something that just has to happen? what if it isnt supposed to? what if i already found the one that would somehow make me happy - and i just screwed it up? will i let this define me? will it define me? being single in a world full of movies about love and romance mixed with friends and family with perfect relationships does not make this whole thing any easier either. am i missing the point? because the thrill of the chase doesnt exactly thrill me. in fact, i abhor that whole part that one seemingly has to go through. i think the problem lies in the simple fact that i really want that best friend whom i can share everything with. thoughts, dreams, whispers, secrets and adventures. i am not exactly sure anymore if this is something that i can bear to try again. see - it is so hard when you pour out your heart to people and they just watch it run down the sidewalk. leaving you to run after it and try your best to soak up the small part that isnt evaporated. i keep telling myself that i learn from it all - and yes i honestly do believe that i have learned something from each relationship i have been in. but i am not sure i can stand to learn anymore. not sure i want to learn anymore. and by that statement i am in no ways claiming to know anything really. hell - i really am just not sure about it at all. i try to not be in a hurry and i tell myself that there is no sense in being in one. but - at the same time i just want to have someone to share with. paul talks about his being single and how his ministry would not be the same if he was not single. just makes me wonder if this is even something i should be thinking about. i am not so much worried about this - as i am just thinking about it. these thoughts swim around a lot. 28 today. i am just gonna stay the course and ride it out. i know god knows what he is doing - sometimes i just cant help but watch as my mind wanders....

random pictures i wanted to post

2005-07-29T06:53:00.000+02:00

here are a few more pics i just wanted to put on here. they mostly are from this past weekend when my brother, holly and erin came to visit one last time before i leave the country for a bit. oh yeah - benny hinn is on here too. i just wanted to get these on here before i leave in a few days.

last day at work!

2005-07-27T17:01:00.000+02:00

wednesday july 27th. my last day at work. i have pretty much been working here exactly a year to date. mcc has been a good place to work and i got to know lots of good people. to all of you who read this - thanks for the good times. i will miss you all.

on a different note. i checked my email today and jenny - my best friend whom i met in STL - sent me some pictures from her vegas trip. so i had to put one up of her! we had some great times together in the lou and i miss her so much. sometime soon you better be coming to see me jenny marie. there arent many girls in the whole world whom i think of as highly as her. i couldnt have asked for a better friend and i cant wait to see her again. love ya babe!